The Solution Isn’t in the Problem

At times, it’s worth looking at our mistakes and learning from them, and most therapists will have you sit there in the past, ruminating over and over on what went wrong, to somehow learn everything that can be learnt and to unpack every detail. But the solutions are rarely found in the problem. It’s everything that the problem is not where the solution can be found, where creativity comes from, and where the mind awakens to receive answers.

The solution to the problem or sadness isn’t found in the bottom of an ice cream tub, that’s just a strategy that helps soothe the emotions, but it doesn’t solve them. It allows us to deal with the moment, but it doesn’t provide a cure. It’s just like looking for all the red flags based on our past and assigning meaning to an action that feels similar to a past relationship as if it’s a cause and effect. It robs us of the magic and the joy.

So here are somethings that I have learnt:

We are responsible for our own needs, however we can choose to create space and safety for others to fill their own needs as well as engage in encouragement for them too, with help when needed.

We are responsible for our own safety and internal security as well as our emotional internal state. However we are accountable if our actions make others feel unsafe. When we meet this and realise we can feel at peace and capable regardless of uncertainty, we can allow others to be free in a relationship, not having them be or become anything other than themselves.

We can say what we mean and feel to another without the need for reciprocation. Anything else is a strategy to receive, where real love and care is deciding to be loving and caring regardless of return, knowing that we are full internally either way.

Others’ happiness does not take away from our own ability to create our own internal happiness, and we can celebrate others’ achievements and joy with the energy of being happy for them, happy that they feel joy. No meaning. No nothing.

When we make a mistake, or misunderstand, or read something the wrong way, it’s okay to say sorry regardless of the outcome, and it’s okay to get it wrong. When we learn from mistakes with grace, we build a desire to be better next time, for ourselves and for others. We don't need to correct mistakes as a stratergy to receive but to become better ourselves. change for return builds resentment, where desire for change regardless of return is growth and energising.

We are more capable than we realise, and it just takes time to increase our vessel for things that we have not yet experienced. Be patient.

Patience is more about internal safety and knowing we have the ability to handle uncertainty regardless of what happens.

Learning to stop and smell the flowers amongst the chaos is a more important skill to nurture and develop than trying to control it.

It’s okay to love and act on that feeling regardless of the outcome, to give freely and generously without the thought of return.

No one will see the world exactly as we do. Everyone is allowed to see it differently and that’s more than okay. We don’t need anyone to see it our way. Be courageous to speak your truth and allow others to see it however they want, but be open to correction when we may be blinded by our own perspective.

Love holds space for freedom. It doesn’t build a structure around when it is given. It’s not an automation triggered by prompts.

When we focus too much on where we went wrong, we build hyper-vigilance around perceived future personal mistakes. We would be better to learn what we have to, then focus on aligning our actions with the overarching values we wish to live by, becoming the character, person, and partner that we desire to be. We won’t always be perfect, and sometimes we may go off track, but our internal compass, when consistently used to analyse our actions, will bring us back to our true north.

It’s the overarching desire and goal that should dictate how we build strategies to get there, not using one strategy because we read it in a book. Consistently using T.O.T.E, Test, Operate, Test, Exit, until we develop our true character and become the person for ourselves and for someone to feel safe with.

In relationships, it’s not two becoming one through boundaries; it’s freedom to be separate while coming into union also. It’s freedom to choose, choosing to still place energy into someone because you want the best for them, not to get something back for yourself.

At times we may feel our energy is not returned, but that may be more about not meeting our own needs when feeling low, not about wanting to use a strategy to help someone return our perceived level of energy Sometimes we feel down and desire someone to care for us, to give us some energy when we are low. Understanding the difference and analysing where our actions are coming from helps us see where we need to take control of ourselves and the self-needs that need addressing, so we can be the safety for another and for ourselves.

Saying we will hold our energy back because we don’t feel it reciprocated is a warning that we may need to fill our own cup, and placing that on a partner, even through misunderstanding, places them under pressure that should never be theirs. It strangles safety and says i need you to return to me so i can pour back into you, choosing to pour energy into someone should be from choice and desire with out reciprocity. It’s ok to miss this, but let’s learn from it.