The chess Board of Family Court.

I know it's hard to look at the positives during a high-conflict separation where your very character seems to be attacked. Or maybe you made some mistakes in your past that you’re not proud of, and now it feels like all your old history is being dragged back up again, no matter how much self-work you’ve done.

I’m here to tell you that you’re not being judged for who you truly are by the other side during a conflict separation in the family court system. You’re hearing the narrative they want to portray to get the best outcome for their client, and unfortunately they’re usually going off the fairytales told to them by your former partner.

But listen, I know it feels unfair and cruel, and you want to tell everyone how wrong it all is, but that rarely gets us anywhere. It takes our focus off the solutions.

You may not be ready to hear this. I wasn’t the first time I went through the merry-go-round of separation and family court. But it’s time to stop wasting time and energy on the emotional shadows of perceived outcomes created by nasty words and character attacks aimed at discrediting you. It’s harsh, but playing that game of character attacks is just a waste of time, for your mental health and your wallet, especially when you react to every affidavit or email from the other side.

You call your lawyer and spend hours unloading, and your solicitor knows it doesn’t help. They can’t do anything with your emotions, and then you get a bill for all the time spent venting in between hearings.

Think of it like loading a boat with barrels of oil. Each barrel adds weight to the boat, meaning the motor must use more fuel to get to the destination. More fuel means more money. The barrels represent your information, some good, some bad. The good barrels are the information and evidence your solicitor can actually use, things that help your case. The emotional barrels are just crude oil, the stuff that can’t be used. The good barrels are the fuel. They move you forward. The emotional barrels weigh you down.

You need to limit the conversations that don’t help, especially when they can’t be written on paper or used in court. I get that you feel emotional and you want to talk it out, but leave that to your coach. Every conversation with your solicitor should ideally be something they could put into a legal document. They can’t write that you’re sad or angry or overwhelmed, so stop wasting energy on conversations that don’t help you.

Think of your productivity curve. Your coach, solicitor, barrister, counsellor, whatever support system you’re using, each has a specific role, a cost, and a purpose. One isn’t better than the other, but they can’t do each other’s jobs. A coach sees the chessboard more clearly than you do, not because they know more about your case, but because they’re not inside it. They’re not in a hypervigilant state. They’re not overwhelmed. They see the mistakes, the behavioural patterns, the wasted finances.

A $500 coaching session can save you a $10,000 affidavit that gets you nowhere. It can save you 20 hours of conversations that bring no results and cost you $600 an hour, Thats $12,000 incase you needed the maths!

I know, because I’ve been there. I’ve seen it, and I’ve worked with people who have lived it. The light-bulb moment usually happens when someone realises they’ve spent months trying to force their solicitor to speed up a system that is out of their control. Sometimes you can have all the evidence and still get nowhere until a judge steps in. The real art is knowing when to take action and when to sit in the quiet space in between, and focus on rebuilding yourself, letting go of the anger, and actually living your life outside of the chaos.

You don’t have to have it all together. It’s okay to feel sad or overwhelmed. But a coach can help you stay grounded, make the right decisions, avoid emotional and behavioural mistakes, and save yourself from unnecessary pain and financial pressure. If you have children during a high-conflict separation, this becomes even more important, because what you do right after separation and during family court has a bigger impact on outcomes than any money you can throw at lawyers.

Are you ready to be coached?

I wasn’t when I went through it the first time. But I wish I had someone to help me avoid so much emotional pain and financial loss. The coaching work isn’t just for before separation or during the case, it’s also for after, to rebuild a healthier life and healthier relationships. I still have triggers formed from separation, some I notice, some I don’t. It’s not until someone points them out that I can choose to feel the trigger or decide to unlearn the survival patterns that no longer serve me.

Coaching isnt about winning a case, It's tranformational..