Break the Loop: A Fast Way to Calm Fear-Based Thinking After Separation

For those repeating the same fear-based thoughts after separation, stuck in negative self-talk and anxiety loops, I want to give you a very fast way to bring your mind back into your body and the present moment.

We can talk about getting out in nature, box breathing, yoga breathing, vocalising, or writing your thoughts down. All of those are great. But in the early stages, when you’re trying to solve a problem you’ve never faced before, with no memory or reference point to guide you, it’s easy to get stuck listening to advice from people who have never lived your situation. It’s like taking advice on how to service a Ferrari from someone who’s only worked on Toyotas.

Here’s what I want you to do instead.

Strip down and get into the shower. Have a nice hot shower first. Then, at the end, turn the hot water off and let the cold water run over your body. That moment of anticipation, the hesitation before the cold hits, forces your mind into the now. Your body braces before it even begins. And when that cold water runs over you, it pulls you fully into the present. It grounds you in reality, relaxing your parasympathetic nervous system and helping balance your main stress hormone: cortisol.

But here’s the kicker, we don’t need to fear cortisol. Just like inflammation is a natural response to an acute injury, cortisol is simply the body’s way of preparing you to deal with a challenge. It’s only when cortisol and stress stay chronically high that problems start.

The food we eat, and don’t eat, also plays a part in either tightening or calming the nervous system. It’s all intertwined. What the mind sees as a threat, the body feels. What the body experiences as a threat, the mind amplifies. They feed each other in a loop, both trying to find safety.

That’s why calming your body first is so important. When the nervous system is in survival mode, the mind is trying to predict and control outcomes with an incomplete toolbox, searching for answers it can’t yet access. Once you calm your system, you give your mind permission to open. That’s when help, insight, and understanding can actually reach you.