The Hidden Cost of Holding On: Fear, Authenticity, and Commitment
It’s not surprising when we see individuals caught in relational conflict. More and more, the authentic self is being hidden—an attempt to shield the heart from the risk of rejection. So we hide. We meet people wearing the same masks, talking ourselves up while concealing the past that we fear may be seen the wrong way.
We don’t want to hide, but it takes courage to be honest. Most people step into a new relationship, a new love, a new life, while still holding onto something from the old. We cling to what feels stable “just in case we fail.” It feels like a safety net, but it’s also the very thing that holds us back from fully committing. Holding on to an old job, an old partner, or an old life gives us an escape when things get hard. Instead of finding solutions, we choose the easy option.
But choosing something new means letting go of the old. I know it’s scary—to commit, to trust, to risk rejection. But holding onto old potentials while clinging to the new isn’t really about fear of failure. It’s about still looking for an external saviour to keep us safe, instead of recognising that we have the strength within to rebuild, even if things don’t work out. Most people stretch themselves trying to keep both worlds alive, instead of letting one go.
Most hold onto their options before taking a chance on what they truly want. Would you dare to choose what you want and let go before you take action?
If you’ve built a life that didn’t work out the way you thought, it doesn’t mean you lack the skills or strength to rebuild. It only means a new approach is needed. The problem is that we often focus too much on what we don’t want, driven by fear and past pain. This hypervigilance keeps us stuck. When we only focus on avoiding danger, we miss the opportunities right in front of us.
After a conflict separation, this fear response explains why so many people stay stuck. For employers, it’s important to see that staff experiencing relational stress are not looking for growth in that moment. Offering more money or incentives may help briefly, but it won’t last. Threats of dismissal will only speed up the inevitable. The “carrot and stick” doesn’t work here.
What the mind and body need in such times is stability and safety. Creating structured systems for employees in high-conflict separation allows them to save energy, reduce stress, and still function productively. Think of simple, direct tasks laid out step by step—like following a McDonald’s checklist. This isn’t about replacing their work with others, it’s about reducing cognitive strain. The result? Retaining staff, stabilising productivity, and protecting revenue, while giving employees the stability they desperately need.