So many relationship therapies will focus on learning how to see from another perspective, to learn what their needs are and engage in the relationship, but this method does not work for the person who has been manipulated to believe in something that was never real to begin with.
For the person whose aim is only self, marriage therapy is not a way to work together. It becomes a way to gain control. To keep the false narrative alive that you were the problem. That all their actions were somehow because of you, dismissing that their actions have always been a choice, entirely their own.
But for the person who loves and tries desperately to make it work, they lose a little more of themselves every year, every month, every day. They play down their success, they shrink their drive, they spend their wealth and their joy on the other person, hoping it will be enough to make them feel better.
It will never work.
What will happen is that you will lose yourself in the endless pursuit of someone who never truly validated the real you, someone who never cared enough to stop the gaslighting. They were scared of being caught, scared of being seen as they really are. The confidence you were first drawn to became arrogance, a desperate attempt to build self-worth through controlling another.
The attacks you face from your former partner feel fresh now, but they were always there. Hidden behind smokescreens, fairytales, and promises never actioned.
The narrative must continue, because for them to be right, you must be wrong.
But here is the truth: You are not, and never were, the problem.
If you are still going through your separation, know that the character assassination will likely continue. The lies will continue, in family court, in messages, in letters. But their behaviour is not a reflection of who you are.
Ask yourself this: If I was the problem for their behaviour, why do they continue to behave the same way now that we are separated?
A person who chooses you doesn’t act like this. A person who truly cares doesn’t act like this.
It’s time to see what you’ve always felt deep down. It’s not you.