Dating After Hurt — Saying the Truth Without Losing Yourself
I don’t want you to feel bad about holding onto your truth when you meet someone you genuinely feel a connection with.
Sometimes we meet someone at the gym, while out for coffee, doing the usual routine, and there’s this moment where you finally get the courage to say hi. You feel a spark. Maybe you swap numbers, grab a coffee, laugh a little, feel that familiar feeling of being seen again.
But then there’s that gut pull — that internal voice that says, “You need to tell them your story so they can choose to stay or leave.” And it’s not because you’re trying to scare them or dump everything on them straight away. It’s just this deep feeling that your past might be too much. The “I have children”, “I’m in family court”, “I’ve had to rebuild again”. The “I’m working on myself” — that one always feels like it needs explaining.
For those of us actually doing the work — not jumping into the next thing to mask the last — it’s scary when something new feels good. We sit with it for a bit. The cuddles on the couch, the movie nights, a shared meal, laughing in the car — it feels like maybe someone is choosing us again. And yet, if we don’t want to wear masks anymore, we know we’ll eventually need to tell them who we really are.
The thing is, we’ve all been told this story — that someone else’s past wounds are something to run from. And sure, if someone’s looking for a rebound or a distraction, that might be true. But if you’re someone who knows your wounds are yours to heal, then your story isn’t a red flag — it’s just part of your truth.
We don’t stay silent because we’re ashamed. We stay quiet because we’ve been through enough to know we don’t want to play the victim anymore. We’ve learnt that we have to be our own saviour. That doesn’t mean we hide our pain — but we don’t need to bleed it out either.
And still, we owe the people we date some honesty. Not the whole backstory, not all the messy details, but enough to give context — enough to let them decide if they’re in. That’s respect. And yes, the fear of losing something good is real. But often, it’s not even the person we’re afraid of losing — it’s the feeling they bring.
That’s where a lot of us get confused. We think we’re in love with the person, but really we’re in love with how we feel when we’re around them. And that’s the hook — we chase that feeling and attach it to them. But real love doesn’t say, “I love you because you make me feel good.” That’s not love. That’s attachment. That’s control in disguise.
When we place our peace in someone else's hands, we set ourselves up for collapse. Because peace has to come from within. The good feelings they bring are just reminders — not the source. And when we know that, we can tell the truth without fear. Because their reaction doesn’t define our worth.
To the ones who have been hurt, abused, betrayed — this is not your fault. You are not the problem. Entering a new relationship from that place can feel terrifying. Especially when it starts to feel like the old one — loving words, shared moments, the same intensity. You start wondering, “Is this just the cycle starting again?”
But this is where a healthy relationship shows up different. A healthy partner will still live their own life — and that’s not rejection. That’s self-care. A healthy person might also tell you if something you’ve said or done was off — and yes, that might feel confronting. But it’s not to attack you. It’s because they value themselves and they see you enough to call out patterns, without control or manipulation.
They might say, “I see why you got angry. I understand it, but I won’t accept it. And if you leave because of that, so be it.”That’s real. That’s grounded. And it’s safe — even if it feels different.
In the last few years, I’ve learnt a lot about myself. I’ve seen my survival patterns for what they are. I’ve come to understand that my emotional regulation, my needs, my stability — all of that is my responsibility. Not someone else’s. And from that space, I can show up honest, whole, and open — not perfect, but real. But lets be honest, I still stuff it up and my body tells the story of how much I enjoy the clones of something that feels real, and yes I lose that grounded sense when I have a genuine interest with someone at times, my calm, cool relaxed, I got this confidence sometimes takes a back seat to the feelings of wanting to fight for something again. But remember, this is the long game. to know someone takes time, to know how we feel and how we interact takes time. So many Rush into something new with-out the patience to allow it to be what it is.
Let go of control. This is only fear rising to the surface. And once you let go of trying to control and keep a good thing, you may realise that good things keep coming, because you realise that you are only in control of you.
So if you’re meeting someone new, and you feel the urge to tell them everything — pause. Breathe. You don’t need to explain yourself out of fear. Tell the truth from a place of peace. Not because you're scared they'll leave, but because you’re okay even if they do.
That’s the shift. That’s the work. And from there, real love becomes possible.