If you were financially controlling in the relationship, it’s time to ask yourself:
Why? What fear was driving this behaviour? Was it insecurity, a need for control, a fear of abandonment, or a belief that only you could ensure safety? Understanding this is not about self-judgement, it's about recognising patterns and breaking the cycle.
Financial control is often rooted in a belief that money equals power, and power equals protection. But in reality, controlling a partner financially only breeds fear, resentment, and emotional distance. It traps the other person and threatens their ability to leave unhealthy or unsafe dynamics. It tells them: “You are not free.”
That is a profound form of psychological harm, one that mirrors the very control many parents fear for their own children.
Money, Values, and Safety
Remember, money is tied to safety, especially for those raising children. It's not just about groceries or childcare. It’s about whether they feel safe to live, leave, or grow. If you are still trying to control finances after separation, especially in ways that impact your child’s wellbeing, then a deeper investigation into your values and emotional responses is warranted.
If your intention is to build a healthy co-parenting dynamic or win back access to your child, this behaviour won’t serve you. But more importantly, if your goal is to heal, then any pattern of control, financial or otherwise, must be addressed.
The Emotional Roots of Financial Control
Financial control is not always born out of malice, it is often a reflection of deep internal fear and unhealed emotional wounds. At its core, it may be a subconscious attempt to prevent someone from leaving, especially if you have tied your sense of happiness, stability, or worth to the presence of that partner. When we do not believe we are whole without another, we may reach for whatever tools are available to keep them close, including financial influence.
If you've ever withheld money, monitored spending, demanded account access, or made your partner dependent on you financially, it's important to stop and ask:
“What was I afraid would happen if they were truly free to leave?”
For many, the answer is loss. Loss of control, loss of love, loss of validation. This stems from a false belief that love is what makes us whole, that if someone walks away, we lose our identity and safety. That belief is not just damaging to your partner, it’s damaging to you.
We will explore these deeper patterns in a future chapter, particularly around attachment styles and inner child beliefs, but for now, begin to gently question whether your need to control finances has been tied to a low sense of self-worth and personal capability. Did you fear being alone? Did you believe that your happiness or sense of safety was reliant on them staying?
If the answer is yes, you’re not alone, but it is your responsibility to begin healing this.
Financial control may mask itself as protection, structure, or necessity, but when it’s used to restrict someone’s independence, it’s often a sign that you're trying to secure your own emotional safety through external control. True emotional maturity, however, comes from learning that you can meet your own needs, that your needs are not the responsibility of another and that love—real love—is freely given, not coerced.
Let this be your starting point for reflection:
“Do I believe that my happiness depends on another person staying?”
“And if so, what am I afraid of facing if they leave?”
The answers to these questions will guide you toward the internal work that sets both you, and those you love, free.