You’re not stupid for wanting your ex back. Let’s just get that straight. It’s not weakness—it’s the mind pulling back old memories of the good times, the laughs, the comfort. The moments that made you feel seen, wanted, or at least familiar. Those memories begin to override why the relationship didn’t work in the first place. Why you left, or why it ended.
And maybe that pull is stronger because you haven’t started something new yet. That’s pretty normal. But here’s the thing—people who jump straight into a new relationship without doing the internal work aren’t better off. They’re more likely to find themselves in the same place again. Same pattern, different face. The internal compass hasn’t changed—it still leads them back to what feels familiar.
It’s not that going back to your ex is smart or healthy—you probably know it’s not. Especially if it was toxic. But your mind starts tricking you, saying you could’ve done better. Maybe you should’ve said sorry more, been more patient, more forgiving. But people who treat us poorly do so by choice—not because of what we did or didn’t do. Healthy people, even if we mess up, don’t stick around to abuse us. They have boundaries, self-respect. They can walk away without punishing us.
You’re not longing for them. You’re longing for something you feel comfortable handling. You’ve already done it—you know the terrain, even if it was painful. Whether it’s the ex you want back or someone new who reminds you of them, your mind says, “I can handle this, I know how to survive this.” But you don’t need to handle abuse. That’s not a badge of honour.
We say we want change, but when change shows up, life tests us. The universe, God, whatever you believe in, asks: “Are you ready for something better, or will you settle for close enough?” So many people settle. They take the job that’s almost right, end up years down the track stuck, too comfortable to leave. They get into relationships that feel safe but unfulfilling, because being unhappy with someone feels better than being alone.
But that’s only because they haven’t yet created a sense of wholeness within. Real wholeness says, “Whether I’m alone or with someone, I’m still whole.” That’s not chasing external validation or love to feel okay. That’s being okay on your own, knowing you’re enough.
We attract what we are internally. Our beliefs tell the world what we’ll accept, and the world reflects that back. We validate our own sense of worth—sometimes unconsciously. It’s conditioning. It’s not truth. But the way we see the world becomes our reality.
So how do we break the pattern? We decide who we want to be. And from that, we start asking, “What would this version of me accept? How would they show up, feel, act?” Most of what we fear isn’t the situation—it’s the belief that we can’t handle it. Little setbacks feel like disasters because our self-worth whispers, “I don’t know if I can do this.”
Here’s a tool: look back at everything you’ve survived. All the storms. Mix that with the idea of your future self, the one who’s walked through more and come out the other side. Let that remind you of your strength, that you’ve always figured it out. Your mind will start shifting—toward what’s possible, toward the people who show up differently, toward new experiences.
You begin to change what you believe about life—and life begins to reflect that change back. Because it’s never just been about the ex. It’s always been about you