When Our Life and Purpose may be Tied to a Partner
It is something many people do without realising — we tie our life and our purpose to a partner. We tell ourselves we are independent, but when we look closer, we often see that the steps we take in life — or the ones we don’t take — are quietly linked to whether we are in a relationship, or whether we are hoping to be in one. We hold off taking the big steps in life, waiting for a partner to come along first. We delay buying the house, starting the business, moving to that new place, or pursuing a dream because we imagine that these things will be done “once I have someone.” Or, on the other hand, we chase a dream harder because of a partner — seeing them as the reason to strive, to impress, to provide, or even to rescue us if it all falls apart.
But here is the deep hole that many do not see: when we attach our drive to reach our desires on another person, or on external validation, we place ourselves in a fragile position. What happens when the person we saw as our muse leaves? What happens when the roles we place on a partner become too heavy, too much to carry? It is not another person’s role to fulfil our dreams — yet we often place them at the centre of our purpose. And when those dreams are built for, or around, a partner — and that partner leaves — our internal world can collapse.
You see this with actors who spiral into depression when their fame runs low — because so much of their identity was built on external validation. You can see this in the world of OnlyFans and social media influencers — models so proud of their success and wealth built on selling their bodies, on the attraction and attention they receive. But is it really about the money? Or is it about the need for attraction, the need for validation? Does any attention work? And what happens when that attention fades, when the likes stop coming, when age creeps in, when the external world moves on?
The same pattern plays out in relationships. So many couples build their lives around one another. And it is often men who fall hardest into this trap — striving to impress, trying to win affection through status or success. They work hard, sometimes not because they want to, but because they feel they have to in order to keep a woman interested, or to keep the relationship alive. They will use charm, pick-up lines, appearances that mask their true character. It may work in the short term, but the truth always comes out. And when it does, the partner is left wondering: who is this person, really?
This is why it is so important to ask deeper questions. Instead of asking “what is my purpose?” — a question that can leave us lost, searching endlessly — it can be more powerful to ask: What am I doing right now, and why am I doing it? What are the values I am fulfilling in this career move? And is this the direction I want to take my life moving forward?When we start from that place — from our values — we begin to untie our sense of purpose from other people and from external validation. We start building a life that is true to us.
After separation, many people find themselves in a dark place, asking “what is the point?” They lose the passion for what they are doing. The drive for success that once motivated them suddenly evaporates. Why? Because so often, they were not chasing success for themselves — they were chasing it for external reasons. For validation. For a partner. For an image. When life gets torn apart by separation and that validation disappears, it can feel like the floor has been ripped out from under us.
And when a partner leaves, it often feels like it happened all of a sudden. But in truth, no one leaves overnight. They may physically move out or end the relationship on a certain day, but mentally and emotionally, the separation began long before. Unless there has been true abuse, most people wait for what they believe is “the right time” — and in the meantime, the relationship may have already faded in ways one person could not see. And if your life, your purpose, your identity was deeply tied to that partner, then the emotional fallout will be enormous.
This is why it is so important — both during separation and in any future relationships — to build your life and your purpose on your own values. When your career, your work, your passion is tied to what matters to you, not to how someone else sees you, then your resilience is far greater. You are less likely to lose direction when life changes. You are more likely to build relationships that are healthy — where two people walk side by side, rather than leaning too heavily on one another for their sense of identity.
Ask yourself: What am I doing this for? What part of this life am I building because it matters to me? What values am I living today? When you begin building from this place, you create a future that is far more stable, far more fulfilling — one that will stand strong no matter who comes in or out of your life.