Staying Busy — And How It Can Help or Hinder Us After Separation
It is no secret that during the trauma of separation, especially in high-conflict cases, many of us turn to activity as a way to cope. We throw ourselves into work, projects, exercise, renovations — anything that keeps us from sitting too long in the pain of it all. In many ways, this is a helpful and even healthy instinct. Staying busy can keep us moving forward through some of the darkest weeks and months of our life. It can stop us from ruminating constantly on what is going wrong or what has been lost. In that sense, distraction has a protective quality — it helps us survive. The mind wants to keep busy.
But staying busy without reflection can also cause us to lose touch with what really makes us happy. A life kept constantly busy, but not aligned with our values or deeper purpose, can leave us hollow. We may accomplish tasks, build income, even win professional praise — yet wonder why it all feels flat. Often after separation, people chase money — either in an effort to rebuild after financial loss, or to regain a sense of acceptance and worth. They throw themselves into work, believing that if they can just achieve enough, earn enough, they will feel whole again.
Yet if that drive is not tied to their values or a higher purpose, many find emptiness at the end of that road. When the money does not fill the deeper emotional wounds, or when the success does not bring the respect or love they had hoped for, depression often follows. Underneath so much of what we chase is the same basic drive: acceptance.
Humanity seems wired for this — we seek love, respect, belonging. We often confuse external value with internal worth. But material success, on its own, does not guarantee acceptance or love. It can certainly attract new potential partners or opportunities, but we must ask: is it true love and respect they are drawn to? Or the security and lifestyle that wealth may offer?
This is not to say that building wealth is wrong. Far from it. Wealth, when pursued through growth and aligned with true values, can be a force for great good — it can bring generosity, freedom, and opportunities for ourselves and for others. The key is to examine whether our drive for success is rooted in true growth, or in fear. Is it for healing and purpose, or is it an unconscious attempt to outrun pain?
Most who have gone through divorce know the sting of financial loss. The instinct is to replace what was lost — but pursuing work simply for money, if that work is out of alignment with your values, can easily lead to burnout or bitterness. The irony is that often a job or business built on passion and purpose — something that feels authentic and true — can produce all the wealth we need, while also providing a lifestyle that lifts us, rather than drowns us.
There is an old parable about the mouse in a jar of rice — the mouse eats and eats, enjoying the abundance, not realising that by staying in that jar too long it will eat itself into entrapment. The same can happen with busyness after separation. If we are not mindful, we may trap ourselves in work and activity, losing sight of joy, connection, and purpose.
The direction we pursue after separation should be guided by values, not fear. When our actions are tied to what matters most — love, contribution, creativity, freedom, growth — then we build a life that heals us, not one that traps us. Staying busy can help us through trauma — but the busyness must eventually give way to a path of conscious choice. That is how we rebuild, stronger than before.