Becoming Aware of Our Actions — Understanding Our True Values in High-Conflict Separation
One of the most important yet overlooked areas during high-conflict separation is becoming aware of our own actions. The way we act in certain environments, under pressure from others, or when triggered by circumstances, tells us far more about what is happening in our inner world — and how far we may be acting in alignment with our true values… or not.
Take for instance the case of affidavits — often the most triggering and confronting documents that come our way in the middle of family court. Pages of allegations, exaggerations, twisted memories, all written by someone we once shared life with. Why do they write it? Often, the former partner is acting from fear. Their lawyer may have coached them to write these claims “in a way that will succeed in court.” The goal: win, not truth. Survival.
But then, how do we respond? This is where many lose clarity. The fight-or-flight instinct kicks in. The fear of loss of finances, reputation, friendships, character… even loss of our own identity can drive us to act from pure survival, rather than from what truly matters to us. We may retaliate with equally harsh words, accusations, or actions — actions that in truth do not reflect the kind of person we wish to be. In those moments, our behaviour is no longer a reflection of our highest values — it is a response to a perceived threat.
Understanding this is key: when we act purely from a place of fear and survival, we are often acting against our own values.
Consider someone with an anxious attachment style — a person who, at their core, may value freedom, love, health, creativity, connection, and personal passions. It is not that these values do not matter to them, or that they simply act out of fear — it is that the value of acceptance rises to the top of their hierarchy of values when under stress or emotional threat.
In other words, when the nervous system is triggered by separation or rejection, the deep inner wound of “I am not enough” or “I must work to be accepted and loved” becomes activated. This shifts behaviour. The person begins to act in ways that prioritise acceptance and reconnection — often at the expense of their other values. They may sacrifice time, health, hobbies, work, and even friendships, in a desperate bid to regain a sense of belonging.
They are not consciously choosing to let go of freedom, love, health — but in the moment of relational threat, the perceived need for acceptance overrides all other values. The drive for self-preservation in terms of attachment takes over.
This is important to understand — because it shows how we can temporarily lose connection to what matters most to us, simply because an old wound is driving a different part of the nervous system and mind. The same thing often plays out in high-conflict separation — when an affidavit comes in, or when a former partner lashes out — that wound is touched. We move to act for survival and acceptance, rather than from a calm place of conscious values.
Awareness of this dynamic is the first step. We can ask ourselves:
Am I acting from my true values… or am I reacting from fear?
The clearer you become on your true values, the easier it becomes to make decisions and take actions that support your wellbeing, your children, and your future — rather than actions that only escalate conflict.
It is interesting how our values often seem to align with the people we value most — the people we seek love, acceptance, and connection from. With those individuals, we tend to act in ways that reflect our higher values: patience, kindness, honesty, respect. But for those we have lost respect for — especially a former partner in a high-conflict separation — those values can seem to vanish. We begin reacting instead of responding.
It is worth asking: why have I lost respect for my former partner? Am I treating them from my true values, or am I acting to soothe my own emotional pain? Quite often, when we look honestly at our reactions, we find that beneath the surface there is hurt — old wounds touched. We are no longer acting with clarity; we are acting from emotion, perhaps even trying to "win" or gain a sense of control.
If we look deeper, we may see patterns that stem from childhood. In a state of fear, fight or flight, we often resort to emotional behaviours that mirror how we protected ourselves as children — when we did not get our way, felt threatened, or were hurt. Did we lash out and fight? Did we withdraw and hide? Did we freeze and become passive, allowing others to control the situation? These childhood responses can unconsciously reappear during separation and conflict.
Now, as adults, with awareness, we can choose differently. The more we become aware of these old patterns, the more we can return to acting from our true values — to meet our needs without unnecessary disruption or harm to others. We must also remember that every action we take affects not just ourselves, but our former partner, and most importantly, our children. This does not mean we are responsible for protecting our former partner from the consequences of their own actions — that is not our role. But we do not need to add more damage to an already painful situation.
When we choose to act from our values during a high-conflict separation — especially through the court process — it does more than just help us feel grounded and in control; it shows the court something very important. It demonstrates that we are acting in alignment with what is in the best interests of our children and that we are capable of putting their needs above the conflict. When one parent continues to attack, criticise, and escalate matters while the other maintains focus on the child’s wellbeing and stable behaviour, the court takes notice.
Too often, family courts are faced with two parents who are locked in a bitter cycle of conflict — both unwilling to let go of control. Both parents may be fighting not just for custody, but for pride, for revenge, or to soothe emotional pain. The court sees this. Judges and assessors can quickly pick up on the underlying emotional patterns when parents use the legal process to punish one another. It leads to no resolution, just further harm to everyone involved, particularly the children. There also seem to be an underlying perception that if you o not win you lose everything, lawyers emails of seeking costs, demanding penalties, aggressive language, bullying, threats, builds fear in their targets and often that is the other party. And like most parents who have never been through the family court system, they fell lawyers have so much power. Guess what, they don’t have as much power as they make out they have. We will go into this further in another chapter. Best rest easy on this. It’s a truly false perception that most people have. A doctor who studies for 15 years to become a neuro surgeon can’t make you have surgery, and a lawyers does have the final say, that’s the courts and the judges role.
As humans, we act in very disruptive and sometimes irrational ways when we perceive a personal loss of control. In separation, this is heightened — fear of losing the relationship with our children, loss of financial security, loss of identity, loss of respect from others. When we act from these fears, our behaviour becomes reactive. But when we shift back to our values — choosing calm, respectful communication, choosing to de-escalate rather than inflame — we show the court that we are focused on what matters most: the wellbeing of our children and the long-term outcome for the family.