Chasing External Rewards vs Living Through Our Values — Protecting Our Children Through Conflict
In times of separation and high conflict, it is very easy to fall into the pattern of chasing an external reward — whether it be financial compensation, a legal win, control over the former partner, or simply justice for the wrongs we have suffered. The problem is that when we orient our decisions around chasing an external reward, rather than around our true values, we often make choices that do not serve us — or our children — in the long run.
If our compass is fixed on the external outcome, we start making choices based on "winning", on "undoing what has been done", on trying to achieve a perceived justice. But this rarely aligns with what is best for our children. I see this often with parents who refuse to pay child support, or argue that they should not have to, simply because they are not seeing their children. It is understandable — the emotion, the pain, the injustice of it all. But that reaction, while aimed at the former partner, directly impacts the children. It introduces further stress, uncertainty, and loss into their lives — something that will follow them long after the legal battles are over.
I understand this deeply. I can sympathise with the emotions and the perceived injustice that so many parents feel during this process. The court system is imperfect — most will admit this. Lawyers, counsellors, child experts, Angel Care workers, and Kids Are First facilitators all see the cracks and failures in the family court system. But no matter how broken the system may be, we as parents still have a choice: to do the best we can for our children, despite what we are going through.
We have an obligation to shield our children from unnecessary stress wherever we can. Failing to control the damaging effects of the conflict can leave not only long-term psychological scars but also physical consequences. As Gabor Maté so clearly explains in When the Body Says No, stress wreaks havoc on the human body — and this is no different for our children. Childhood stress caused by prolonged parental conflict can shape a child’s emotional and physiological development for life.
For this reason, it is paramount that we learn to move beyond focusing on what we receive in return for our actions. Yes, sometimes it may feel like a loss. But the outcomes we desire — for ourselves, and more importantly for our children — need to be thought through the lens of our values and of the life we want to create years down the road, not through the pain and injustice we feel in the present moment of high conflict.
If we make decisions only to "even the score", to "win", or to gain external validation, we will very likely fail to make the choices that truly protect and nurture our children through this process. On the other hand, if we act from our values — love, responsibility, patience, integrity — we will stand a far greater chance of building a future where both we and our children can heal and grow.
Learning to make choices through the lens of our values — especially during times of conflict — is not only something that helps us in the moment, it sets us up for healthier and more sustainable relationships in the future. The patterns we form now, the ability to pause and act from values rather than emotion, builds a new way of relating — one that we will carry into all relationships moving forward.
Picture this: A husband comes home from work. His wife is angry — not because of one thing, but because she has been caring for the children all day, running on empty. She feels unseen, unsupported, and perceives that she is doing this alone. The garbage hasn’t been taken out — it’s a small thing, but for her, it symbolises much more. She speaks sharply, out of frustration. Now, the husband has a choice. If he acts from pure emotion — from injustice or wounded pride — he may snap back, argue, fuel the conflict. But if he acts from his values — patience, love, understanding — he will see the deeper need beneath her words.
Imagine this: instead of becoming frustrated, he walks over calmly, gives her a kiss, picks up the garbage and takes it out — no fuss, no argument. He does it not from submission, but from an understanding of what she actually needs: calm, peace, support. The children watch this unfold. They see how stress can be handled with grace instead of with further tension.
Most people never learn this. They repeat old patterns — reacting emotionally, fighting for their sense of fairness, and wondering why history keeps repeating. The truth is: the choice is always ours. If we build this ability now — during the hardest times of separation and conflict — we will enter future relationships with stronger, calmer patterns. We will parent from values instead of stress. And we will give our children a far greater gift: the ability to break the cycles that so many of us grew up with.