What We Can and Cannot Control
High-conflict separation often feels like a war zone—emotionally, mentally, and legally. It’s natural to want stability when everything feels out of control. But many people fall into a common trap: trying to control others in an attempt to soothe their own discomfort.
This is especially common in relationships where one partner has, often unconsciously, taken on the role of managing the other’s emotions. Not because they’re manipulative—but because they never learned to regulate their own nervous system. If you’ve ever found yourself walking on eggshells, trying to keep the peace to avoid an explosion, or needing your partner to validate your emotions just so you could calm down, you’ve seen this dynamic in action.
After separation, the same pattern often continues—except now it looks like obsessing over the other person’s actions, communications, parenting decisions, or behaviour in court. We believe that if we can just get them to act differently, we will feel better. But the truth is, control over another person is an illusion. And believing we need it keeps our nervous system in a constant state of stress and reactivity.
Instead, what we must learn is this: we are not responsible for the emotions or actions of our former partner. We are responsible for regulating our own emotional responses—and that begins with knowing what is and isn’t in our control.
You can’t force someone to respond to a message, co-parent the way you want, or stop making accusations. But you can learn to calm your nervous system so that their behaviour no longer hijacks your life. You can learn to pause, breathe, and respond with clarity rather than panic. This is what begins to shift the entire dynamic.
The Science: Why Stress Makes Us Stupid
When you’re under constant emotional threat—like during court proceedings, custody disputes, or manipulation from a former partner—your body releases cortisol, the primary stress hormone. According to neuroscientist Dr. Dan Siegel, elevated cortisol levels literally shut down access to the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for logical reasoning, decision-making, and empathy. In other words, you can't think clearly when your body thinks it's under attack.
This is why stress leads to impulsive actions like:
· Over-texting your solicitor
· Sending reactive emails to your ex
· Rehashing arguments in court that only hurt your credibility
Neuroscientist Bruce Perry also emphasizes that "state becomes trait"—meaning chronic stress changes the brain over time. Without regulation, we begin to live in a permanent reactive loop.
Real Examples: Control Gone Wrong
· A father obsessively contacts his lawyer daily, demanding faster outcomes in family court. Not only does it cost thousands in legal fees, it burns out the solicitor and creates a perception of volatility, not stability.
· A mother tries to dictate her ex-partner’s parenting style post-separation to avoid the discomfort of unpredictability. The more she pushes, the more resistance she creates—fueling further conflict.
Both are trying to reduce anxiety. But both are unintentionally escalating the situation because their nervous systems are screaming for safety—and they haven’t yet learned to give that safety to themselves.
The Shift: Control of Self is Power
Letting go of control doesn’t mean giving up. It means stepping out of reaction and into responsibility.
When we recognize our limits—of what we can do, what we know, and what we can influence—we make space for peace. We allow the nervous system to soften, which quiets cortisol and reopens our ability to think clearly. In that space, we can learn, strategize, notice contradictions in accusations, and act in ways that actually support our goals.
The family court system has its own rhythm. It runs on schedules, rules, and delays that no amount of personal effort can speed up. Accepting this doesn’t make you powerless—it frees you to stop wasting energy and start conserving it for what matters.
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