Tying children to our own personal image and why it often backfires.
Our children do not need to be like us. We may, at times, try to control our children’s behaviour in environments where we really should stay out of it. We may have a sense that our child’s behaviour is somehow a reflection of our own values, but this is not true. Let’s say our child is acting the clown at sports day (I have had this happen) and the other parent or yourself wants to tell them off or stop the behaviour. While this may seem like a logical and normal response to what you perceive as poor behaviour, we need to remember that a school environment is not our environment but our child’s, and the authority to correct is that of the teachers. When we try to take control in our child’s personal environments while in front of their classmates and peers, we take away our child’s natural expression and freedom to be themselves. If there is a problem, let the teachers deal with it and interact as needed or when asked. It is also important to address the behaviour and not link it to the child as who they are. Too many times, I hear parents say “you’re a bad boy”, “what is wrong with you?”, “you should be ashamed”. This method of addressing poor behaviour implies that there is something wrong with the child rather than the action and may build a feeling of shame and guilt rather than regret. Simple words that we may not think much of have a large impact on a child’s mind and may be interpreted in alternative ways.
As parents, we need to encourage self-expression and love for their individuality. We should not restrain affection and love simply because our child may have a different preference, character, or love for another parent. Just because they may choose a different path or have different desires does not mean that our children love us less. When children feel loved and nurtured, they feel less need to seek constant affirmation that they are doing the right thing or are pleasing one parent or the other. We do not want our children to feel like they must please us at all times, as this may develop a character of perfectionism, which in itself is such a destructive mental trauma in an attempt to feel loved and accepted. Love for our child should not be on the condition of what we call acceptable behaviour. Just like food, shelter, and safety should never be withheld despite what behaviour a child exhibits. Too often we use love as a form of controlling another’s behaviour. We are able to positively discipline and encourage good behaviour while still showing love and care.
After separation, a child’s world seems to be out of their control. Their environment may change, and the people in their lives may change with the time they spend with them. It is important to understand that traumatic experiences are, at their core, a feeling of powerlessness and helplessness. By allowing our children some control over their experience, we can help them regulate their emotions during this time and aid in their recovery and resilience to change. The duration of time and allowing our children to set their own pace will also take more pressure off and allow them an increased feeling of control. This is not to say that we allow children decision-making above their cognitive ability or of a mature nature. Allowing personal choices such as room decoration, clothes style, play times, choice of park to play at, selection of healthy foods—these little options can go a long way to help our children feel calm and less surprised. It is also important to honour their choices, as if we keep taking over control, then we are not allowing this freedom and becomes another stressor if we consistently change the dynamics.
Educating our children about new dynamics and future events can often allow time to comprehend and understand what will be happening. Regular small pieces of information can aid in this strategy, so when changes occur, they are less of a surprise and their emotional level may be easier to regulate.
It is important to note that a child may also try to control traumatic experiences or situations that may otherwise be spontaneous or erratic. Say a parent has a tendency to get frustrated easily or is always annoyed when they come home from work, and it scars the child; the child may invoke the same reactions so it can have some control over the event. It is not to say that a child wants this outcome but rather to have a sense of control and predictability. This can help regulate the anxiety of an event that would otherwise be unpredictable. A child’s attempts to limit or control such behaviours also aid them in trying to meet their own needs.
Remember, if our children are experiencing behavioural changes during a separation, this is not always a reflection of our own personal values. Too often we try to control our children to save embarrassment or how others may see us as a reflection of such behaviours. If this is the case, then I would work at removing the false perceived external attachments of one’s own value system. Remember, value is internal. Our children are not responsible for our perceived idea of how the world may view us.