Contact Us

Phone
0401889807

Email
info@conflictseparationcoaching.com

Address

Online Enquiry

* Required fields

Understanding Emotions Under Stress

Posted By Andrew Jaensch  
07/07/2025
12:20 PM

Understanding Emotions Under Stress

 

One of the most important skills you can develop during high-conflict separation is the ability to identify and regulate your emotions under stress. When we are emotionally triggered, it is not just our thoughts that shift—our entire nervous system responds. Subtle changes in mood, increased heart rate, muscle tension, irritability, or a sinking feeling in the stomach are all signs that something is being activated within us.

But here’s the challenge: When we don’t know how to identify these emotional shifts as they happen, we often react rather than respond. We may lash out, withdraw, become overwhelmed, or spiral into anxious or depressive thought patterns. These automatic reactions are protective responses, rooted in our nervous system and past experiences.

As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains in The Body Keeps the Score, trauma and prolonged stress reshape how our body and brain perceive safety and threat. Our nervous system becomes primed to detect danger, even in situations that aren’t inherently dangerous. So when we are under stress, particularly in the context of separation, custody, or family court, our past experiences and unprocessed emotions can flood into the present moment and distort our perception of reality.

This is why learning to pause and observe the connection between our bodily sensations, emotions, and thoughts is so crucial. When we begin to notice patterns in how our body reacts—before our mind creates a story around those reactions—we create the possibility of changing how we engage with our experiences. We shift from being reactive to being responsive.

As Dr. Dan Siegel describes in his work on interpersonal neurobiology, particularly the concept of the "window of tolerance," when we remain within our emotional window of tolerance, we can think clearly, access empathy, and make conscious choices. When we move outside this window—into hyper-arousal (fight/flight) or hypo-arousal (freeze/shutdown)—we lose access to the higher functions of the brain. Understanding your body’s cues helps you return to that window more quickly.

Why This Matters

During separation, the stakes often feel high: child custody, financial arrangements, fear of being misunderstood or misrepresented, and a deep sense of loss. All of these experiences activate our internal alarm systems. But if we want to navigate this time with clarity, emotional stability, and strength, we must learn how to decode these internal responses. When you know how to recognise your emotional cues, you gain power over how you respond to difficult situations.

This coaching block will help you:

  • Understand the difference between emotions and feelings
  • Recognise the physical signs of stress in your body
  • Track your emotional responses in real-time
  • Challenge distorted thoughts and assumptions triggered by stress
  • Build self-awareness and emotional resilience

Emotions vs. Feelings Emotions are automatic, physiological responses to stimuli. Feelings are the conscious awareness and interpretation of those emotions.

Examples:

  • Emotion: Anger | Feeling: Frustrated, Resentful, Irritated
  • Emotion: Fear | Feeling: Anxious, Nervous, Worried
  • Emotion: Sadness | Feeling: Lonely, Disappointed, Heartbroken
  • Emotion: Joy | Feeling: Excited, Grateful, Hopeful

Reflection & Self-Tracking Exercise Use the following journal prompts and tracking table to become more aware of your emotions and bodily responses:

 

Emotion Identification Exercise

Date

Triggering Situation

Emotion Experienced

Physical Sensations

Feeling(s)

Thoughts That Followed

Reality Check (Was it a past memory or current situation?)

             

Instructions:

  • Record events in real-time or reflect at the end of the day.
  • Be specific with the triggering situation. (e.g., Received text from former partner)
  • Name the emotion (e.g., anger, fear, sadness)
  • List how your body felt (e.g., clenched jaw, tight chest, sweaty palms)
  • Write out the feeling in your own words (e.g., overwhelmed, unsafe)
  • Include any thoughts that came up (e.g., "They’re trying to control me" or "I can’t do this")
  • Finally, reflect whether this emotional response was related to a past unresolved experience or a present-day reality.

Over time, this practice will reveal patterns and help you begin to separate old wounds from current facts. This is the foundation of nervous system regulation and emotional resilience.

Continuing from the practice of identifying emotions and sensations under stress, it's also essential to consider the contextin which these emotional responses are arising. Emotions are not just standalone reactions—they are deeply influenced by both our internal narratives and our external environment. When we pause and examine the context, we give ourselves an opportunity to ask powerful questions that shift us from automatic reaction into conscious reflection.

Ask yourself: Are these emotions being created by something happening around me right now? Is it a situation, an environment, or perhaps the words or actions of another person triggering this response? Or, are these emotions emerging from within me—perhaps based on a past experience, a belief I hold, or a story I’ve told myself about who I am or how others see me?

When we explore these questions honestly, we begin to understand that not all emotional reactions are reflective of the current moment. Sometimes, they are echoes—emotional residue from past experiences that the nervous system hasn’t fully resolved. For example, if someone ignores your message and you immediately feel abandoned, the intensity of that emotion might not just be about the present situation—it may be pulling from a deeper wound, a time when your needs were genuinely neglected.

This brings us to another important reflection: Do my emotional responses serve me and the people around me—or do they create more pain and disconnection? Emotions in themselves are not wrong or bad—they are signals. But if our automatic response is to lash out, shut down, or manipulate in order to regulate those emotions, we risk reinforcing unhealthy cycles.

It’s helpful here to pause and ask: Is it helpful for me to sit in this emotion right now? What choices do I actually have in this moment? What can I control—and what can’t I? Often, what we can control is our breath, our posture, our tone, and our next choice. We can’t always control others’ behaviours, the court’s decisions, or the outcome of a hard conversation—but we can control how we choose to respond, how we speak, and how we honour our boundaries without becoming destructive.

By learning to slow down and assess these emotional states in context, we begin to reclaim our agency. We step out of the fog of reactivity and into a more grounded, self-aware presence. This not only supports our mental and emotional well-being, but it becomes a foundation for making healthier decisions in relationships, parenting, and legal matters.

 

Ready to calm your mind and take control of your emotions after separation? Grab our 4-Week Coaching Program: Grounding Yourself After High-Conflict Separation for $35 - practical, compassionate, and made for this exact moment.

Buy it here