What we perceive that we need will dictate the actions we take. Those actions are filtered through programmes wired by our past experiences. Like most people, we stick to a set programme that once worked for us. With memories wired as patterns, the more we access them, the stronger the neural pathways become, reinforcing our belief system.
Patterns of behaviour that get us what we want — whether through positive or negative actions — become ingrained simply because at some point, they worked. What this doesn’t always take into account, however, is how those actions are perceived by others and the ripple effect of their responses.
In high-conflict separation, these old programmes surge to the surface. They try to control the environment as a way of keeping us safe — physically or emotionally. It’s a form of physiological regulation, an attempt to create peace within. For the anxiously attached, the mind screams for closeness and understanding. For the avoidant, the internal voice yells, Run! Run as fast as you can. Both responses are stories of unsafety. And when connection with a child feels like connection to the self, the emotional pain of losing that connection cuts even deeper.
It may sound hard to believe, but our internal state is instantly accessible, while our goals and desires unfold chronologically. The steps we take toward outcomes are often driven by the internal state we’re in — a state built around how we internally represent reality, shaped by past experiences, environments, and relationships.
Without knowledge of this new reality — high-conflict separation, the loss of children, the family court process — we fall back on what we know. We use the old programmes to solve problems we’ve never faced before. This is why working with a coach who knows the terrain matters. It helps us understand how our actions affect not only our mental state but also the outcomes we desire.
The programmes we run may not lead us toward our goals. In survival mode, we may not even be aware of the direction our internal programmes are taking us. The subconscious cares about one thing: survival. But survival mode is short-sighted. It focuses on the here and now, anxious about future loss or pain, scanning for threats. The mind, working from memory, constantly searches for cause and effect, prompting us to act based on what feels most threatening.
A parent may make poor choices simply to see their child, but those actions — though driven by love and pain — can have costly consequences. They may not work in the short or long term and can unintentionally prolong the distance between parent and child, especially within the legal system’s constraints.
Without awareness or guidance, we are often navigating reality with a distorted map created in our own minds.
The map is not the territory. The way we see reality is always limited, shaped by deletion, distortion, and generalisation. It’s an imperfect, subjective abstraction of the complex, real world around us.
And until we realise that, we risk running old programmes that no longer serve us — stuck in survival, repeating patterns, rather than moving toward the life we truly want.