The Trauma of Family Court, the “Away-From” Mindset, and Why So Many Struggle to Rebuild

It can be hard to understand the trauma of family court and separation, especially when children are involved. We see parents struggling in so many areas of their lives, and one area that becomes painfully obvious is financial. People assume it’s laziness, or lack of motivation, or that the abuse of the family court system has shattered their will to work. They wonder why these parents can’t just snap out of it.

But here is one key to understanding why so many struggle to rebuild after separation:

The away-from mentality.The avoidance of pain.The pessimistic viewpoint that forms after months or years of character assassinations, threats, intimidation allowed in solicitor emails, affidavits destroying each other, the complete lack of integrity in tearing down another human being.

The mind shifts into survival.

Away from pain.

Away from discomfort.

Away from anything that could hurt again.

Many end up only making just enough money to avoid financial pain, but never enough to grow. They get to a limit that keeps them comfortable, and then they stop. No desire for more. Why? Because the family court system allows so much to be taken. Because the threats of costs in submissions float through their mind, even if you try to see your children, you may be charged. There are no penalties for perjury. No rest from the fear of losing it all and then paying for it again.

So the mind whispers:“If I make it, I’ll just have it taken.”And so the actions do “just enough” to survive without losing too much.

This mirrors what we see in relationships. People who struggle to invest emotionally. It’s scary. It’s uncomfortable. It feels risky. It’s not usually the truth, but it is the reality in their mind. And it’s no different in family court or high-conflict separation, where individuals put so much into a relationship, finances, houses, investments, only to watch it ripped in half, even when the other person contributed so little.

And so the thinking becomes:

If I stay alone, if I stay small, if I don’t earn too much… at least I won’t lose as much next time.

Some go into new relationships demanding everything 50/50, everything equal, everything structured, building so many rules that the relationship can’t breathe, can’t flow, can’t feel the natural energy of new romance.

You are not broken.You’re not defective.

A new partner may not understand this from their perspective, and often it doesn’t make sense to you either, but the subconscious is trying to protect you. It’s like dipping your toe in the kiddy pool at the swimming centre — scared that the shallow end is actually deep water. So you cling to the edge for protection… but you also miss out on the joy.

Nothing in life is certain. But you can put systems in place that protect you while still letting you live, try, feel, risk, and grow again.

Yes, it hurts to lose so much.

But what took years to build and was lost in one or two years can be rebuilt in less time with new strategies.

It’s just that you believe you must use the same strategies you used before, and those feel exhausting. But strategies, like programmes, can be changed, removed, replaced.

The choice is yours.

Step into the fear of the new.It’s going to feel scary because your subconscious hasn’t validated the new strategies yet. That’s why when you’re told to try something new your whole body tightens up. But trust me — lean in. Just a little. Allow a new strategy, a new romance, a new hobby, a new business idea to enter your life.

Set a timeframe if you need to, 3 months, 1 month, whatever feels right, just enough to prove to your body that a new system either works or doesn’t. But you must go all-in during that period. Set boundaries, cap financial spend, create a safety net — but give your full effort.

You didn’t build safety around your old patterns after one try.You repeated them.You validated them.You reinforced them.

Now it’s time to try the new ones, consciously, that lead to the life you want.

And if you’re struggling to do this alone, you don’t have to.This is where coaching comes in.With NLP, with strategy, with someone who understands the emotional reality behind this.

You are not alone.And it can be done.You just have to start.