The Honest Self-Reflection We Avoid After Separation

We have all heard the stories of how bad your former partner was, and I bet if you really sat back and thought about how many times you complained about a former partner, you may be embarrassed to say the number. Probably like most, you told your entire family. Some do well and keep most of it to themselves, but there is a blessing in what we go through in separation. It gives us a chance for growth if we let the thoughts directed at others transition back to self.

I’m not talking about talking yourself down for mistakes, the bum-spanking naughty child punishment. And I’m not talking about the “handle with kitten gloves” approach and making excuses for yourself. The statement “but they just…” isn’t a sentence we want. We want honest truths.

To look at the factual actions, what we said and what we didn’t do, how we acted, and remove the context for a bit.

We are not avoiding another person’s actions or poor behaviour, and definitely not abuse. But we want the questions to revolve around whether we had control over our actions. Whether we gave control to another. Whether we chose the damaging behaviours that contributed to the relationship breakdown.

This isn’t to save what was there if it was a poor marriage, an abusive relationship, or an ungrounded or unsafe emotional space. It’s to decide and articulate the things we want to change in ourself.

Perhaps when you feel judged you become overly defensive. This can be a common trigger for individuals going through the family court system. Opposing solicitors characterising an extravagant narrative that portrays you as the villain, a diabolical mastermind for not washing the dishes, or not financially contributing to the household expenses. Maybe they’ve portrayed you as controlling. It’s a common occurrence, misrepresentation and removal of context.

I actually have sympathy for judges who have to sift through such fairy tales of knowingly false statements. But you’re not going to worry about that, are you! Because we know that’s what happens. The certainty of what is to come creates emotional armour, like water off a duck’s back.

But back to self-reflection.

We want to get to the actions where we decided to act not so much in alignment with who we want to be. There always seems to be a point where our positive actions change, maybe an environment, maybe a statement from a loved one, a boundary that was crossed, something inside that says, “I know this is not the right thing to do, and it’s not nice, but once A happens, B will happen.”

I’m not talking about protecting another persons feeling because a truth needs to be said, a poor behaviour acknowledged.

And NO! you can’t eat ice cream for breakfast.

A common occurrence is the tit-for-tat example.“You treat me this way, so I have permission to do the same.”This isn’t love.

And it certainly means that if you hold yourself to a standard that you cross for any reason, then it’s not really a standard.

We are all going to have patterns and strategies to handle the triggers, but the strategies that don’t work in our favour need to be analysed, understood, and reprogrammed if we want a different outcome. Simply saying, “But my partner knows I am like this,” is not enough to excuse poor behaviour.

Most people justify their actions based on how they feel.

We want to act with care, respect and love regardless of our emotions. This takes control and repetition, it's where we re-write and rewire strategies.

Perhaps they accept a hurtful behaviour because they care for you, but it still hurts. It still creates a feeling of not feeling safe. Safe to come to you. Safe to have emotions. Safe to express how they feel or what they need.

One highly encouraging question to ask ourselves is:

Where does someone I care for feel like they can’t be themselves or express their needs or feelings?

You may find the answer isn’t random.

It may be because of a pattern, a strategy, a reaction you had in the past when they expressed those feelings or emotions.

And that is where real growth happens.