As we explore what parental alienation truly is, I urge you to reflect on your own behaviours in relation to what is written. If you genuinely wish to protect your children, please refrain from any form of parental alienation. It is difficult to accept, but even if you are not seeing your children and may not see them for some time, we must create an open door that stands in contrast to such manipulative and abusive behaviour. What one parent can inflict on an innocent child in the pursuit of their own selfish desires, hatred for the other parent, or for revenge, is what I believe to be truly evil. Often, the alienator does not comprehend the damage they inflict and manifest in a child as they grow and develop. The child may struggle mentally and socially in ways that affect all aspects of their life.
A 2022 study by Suzane Verhaar, Mandy Louise Mathewson, and Caitlin Bently qualitatively investigated the mental health of adults exposed to parental alienating behaviours in childhood. The study found that exposure to parental alienating behaviours in childhood can have a profound impact on mental health later in life, including anxiety disorders and trauma reactions. An international sample of 20 adults who had experienced parental alienating behaviours in childhood participated in semi-structured interviews about their experiences and the impact. Four themes were identified: mental health difficulties, including anxiety disorders and trauma reactions, emotional pain, addiction and substance use, and coping and resilience. The study also found evidence of intergenerational transmission of parental alienation, confusion in understanding their experience of alienation, mental health consequences, and elevated levels of suicidal ideation. This study demonstrated the insidious nature of parental alienation and parental alienating behaviours, providing further evidence that these behaviours constitute a form of emotional abuse.
Research into human emotions and their link to disease and chronic illness is now well established and accepted within the medical field. Parental alienation not only affects a child’s mental development but also their physiology, due to the effects of trauma on chemicals and hormones in the developing child’s body as it attempts to regulate stress. The damaging effects of alienation often manifest in later years, with the child unaware of what is happening beyond the confusion of the contrast between what they are told and what they see. However, attempting to correct these wrongs by creating your own narrative of the other parent is not the solution. As fathers, we must absorb the abuse while shielding our children from its effects and find ways to release the pain without them observing.
What is Parental Alienation?
If you have seen The Terminator, the plot revolves around a cyborg assassin sent back in time to destroy Sarah Connor, the mother of a child who will lead the resistance against Skynet in the future. This mirrors, in some ways, the biblical story of the devil attempting to destroy the lineage of King David to prevent the birth of Jesus Christ. In much the same way, parental alienation is an attempt, through harmful tactics, to turn a child against the other parent. This often involves manipulation, emotional abuse, and withholding the child from the other parent, their extended family, and their friends, all with the goal of damaging the child’s relationship with that parent. Every family member connected to the targeted parent becomes subject to a seek-and-destroy order.
The alienating parent seeks to instil a negative narrative in the child’s mind about the other parent. This can be achieved through derogatory comments about the parent’s character or by creating false stories of events. Often, the alienating parent does not wish for their narrative to be contradicted, and in an attempt to silence opposition, they may become controlling of the child’s ability to build a healthy relationship with the other parent. This is often done by withholding phone calls and other forms of monitored contact. A true alienator will go as far as to limit any external influence that provides a positive perspective of the other parent by restricting the child’s contact with the other parent’s family, friends, and associates. The alienating parent fears anyone who contradicts their narrative and may even allow others to make negative statements about the child’s other parent.
These false narratives are deeply damaging to a child, who sees themselves as two halves of their parents. If one half is painted as bad, the child may feel shame and guilt, believing there is something fundamentally wrong with them. These narratives also instil fear of the alienated parent, increasing stress and triggering fight-or-flight responses when in their care, even if there is no real threat. This response pattern can extend to individuals who align with the alienating parent’s narrative, causing the child to repress feelings or behaviours that might align them with the alienated parent.
For instance, a child who has been told their whole life that their father was wealthy, selfish, and never helped their mother financially—causing them to miss out on events or nice things—may grow up to see all wealthy men as selfish. A parent who consistently belittles the other parent's occupation may influence the child to avoid a career in that field, even if they have a natural ability for it. Internal perceptions of self-worth override reality, and the child may repress their strengths and reject opportunities that align with the rejected parent, believing those traits to be personal fundamental flaws.
A child manipulated into rejecting one parent may become enmeshed with the alienating parent. This is often seen as a positive by the alienator and overlooked by professionals and Family Court systems. However, this is a delusion. The child, despite noticing contradictions in the narrative, may still fear losing the alienating parent, who they see as their primary source of security and care. With all other healthy relationships withheld, the child has no alternative but to cling to the alienator. As they grow into adolescence and gain independence, they may start to reject the alienating parent. Social media is filled with stories of adults who, after years of believing lies, discovered they had been manipulated, only to find a lost, loving parent who had simply wanted to be part of their life.
Children rely heavily on their parents to meet their needs, and when alienation destroys those avenues, the child may become hypervigilant of the alienating parent’s emotions and behaviours. They learn to act in ways that please the alienator or limit negative reactions. Alternatively, an alienated child may suppress their own needs entirely, as the alienating parent’s fixation on destroying the other parent teaches them that their needs do not matter. This single-minded pursuit of alienation is an act of selfishness, and while a child may not understand the motives, they feel its effects on their emotional and physical security.
“Parental alienation is the diabetes of emotional, manipulative child abuse—its effects unseen until later years, so devastating and debilitating that one weeps from witnessing its singular and widespread destruction.”
Simple twists in narratives are often overlooked as harmless, but from a child’s perspective, they can be incredibly damaging. A parent feeding a child pizza one night can be turned into, “Your dad gave you pizza? I can’t believe he would feed you such unhealthy food—that’s really bad for you! Let me make you some real food.” This small statement can make the child feel that the other parent does not care for their well-being. “If Dad knew it was bad for me, why would he feed it to me?” Children look to their parents for explanations and understanding of the world, and these subtle manipulations shape their perception of relationships and their environments.
There may be many reasons for an alienating parent’s actions, most often rooted in their own unresolved wounds, unmet childhood needs, or past traumas. Some fear losing their child to the other parent, believing their self-worth is tied to the child’s loyalty. Others enmesh themselves with the child to combat their own loneliness. Some parents see their child enjoying time with the other parent as a competition, leading them to sabotage the relationship. Most of these behaviours are ruled by internalised fears.
While it is crucial to understand what parental alienation is and why it happens, focusing solely on the alienating parent can create our own negative narrative, increasing the risk of mirroring those same behaviours. Instead, we must prioritise positive influences and limit alienating behaviours. Addressing such behaviour with the alienating parent may be fruitless if they are unaware of their actions or unwilling to change. It is difficult for any parent to accept criticism of their behaviour, especially when it concerns their children.
We must become aware of ourselves and our own behaviours with our children, rather than focusing solely on the other parent.
If you found this post helpful and want to take your understanding even deeper, check out the Malicious Intent and Tactics Guide. It’s a practical, eye-opening resource designed to help you recognise patterns of manipulation, control, and emotional harm — especially in high-conflict separation. Whether you're navigating family court or simply seeking clarity, this guide offers the insight and tools you need to stay grounded, protected, and informed.