Gatekeeping is the limiting and control of a parent and child relationship. The autonomy for a child to bond with another parent is often monitored and controlled as best suits the controlling parent. This can involve setting the times of any interaction or communication or, in extreme cases, limiting contact altogether. I see the gatekeeping parent as the Ferryman on the River Styx—unless you have the right coin for passage, you are not getting across. This gatekeeping behaviour makes building an autonomous relationship between parent and child difficult for both the parent and the child.
The Ferryman often controls all the information relating to a child, frequently failing to inform the other parent about important decisions such as schooling, medical matters, and extracurricular activities. Essentially, they limit both information and interaction between the child and the restricted parent.
Court orders hold very little weight for the gatekeeper, who will often make excuses as to why interaction may not occur.
Examples include statements such as:
“Sorry, we weren’t home to take your call, and the kids are asleep now.”
“So sorry, the children are with my mum, and she’s not answering the phone.”
“Sorry, I completely forgot about the children’s sports day event—I didn’t even make it until the end myself.”
You can expect a variety of excuses designed to limit contact with your children, disguised behind clever narratives. If you have a parental order that states times of contact, these can be enforced if this behaviour continues, and I would advise you to do so before it becomes normalised. I would also recommend keeping all attempts to communicate with your children, along with the other parent's responses, in writing so that you have a record of evidence should you need to file an application with the Family Court.
A good sign of a parent gatekeeping is not receiving any school reports throughout the year, as well as sensing confrontation from the school when asking about your child’s education. Often, the gatekeeper may use others to help defend their position by communicating false narratives to schoolteachers or other figures of authority.
You may even have your own child ask, “Hey Dad, why didn’t you come to my sports day?”
It is important during such emotional moments not to attack the other parent. Instead, simply ask your child to inform you of any important events they would like you to be a part of. Alternatively, you can call the school, sports teams, or other organisations directly and ask for their calendar of events.
If you already have court or parenting orders in place, make sure that all relevant parties have a copy to deter and limit the gatekeeper’s ability to manipulate others into supporting their narrative. Some parents may go so far as to lie to schools, stating that the other parent is not allowed contact or that there is a restraining order in place.
Make sure you are marked as an enrolling parent for your child’s school. Some parents use this as a way to limit information and school records as certain schools are prohibited to releasing information to non-enrolling parents. Be sure to expect some resistance from the other parent.
Ah, the beloved restraining order from the revengeful parent—this is often the weapon of choice for a malicious gatekeeping parent, who may make numerous false claims to police and other authorities.
If you find yourself slapped with one of these restraining orders (police seem to fill out intervention and restraining orders for males more than pharmacists write prescriptions for the elderly), make sure to document any interactions with the other parent in writing, noting the time, date, location, and details of what transpired.
Once the Ferryman has left the dock, it is hard to get him to come back.
As the gatekeeper limits contact over time, it becomes increasingly difficult to re-establish the original pattern. Simply adhering to what the other parent offers without dispute may be interpreted in Family Court as an agreement to the new arrangement. It is crucial to address any gatekeeping behaviour or breaches of parenting orders early before they become the new standard. If too much time passes, reverting to the original orders may be considered not in the best interests of the children.
The malicious parent is a cunning trickster who employs many tactics to achieve their ultimate goal.
If you found this post helpful and want to take your understanding even deeper, check out the Malicious Intent and Tactics Guide. It’s a practical, eye-opening resource designed to help you recognise patterns of manipulation, control, and emotional harm — especially in high-conflict separation. Whether you're navigating family court or simply seeking clarity, this guide offers the insight and tools you need to stay grounded, protected, and informed.