Seeking Reassurance — Why We May Struggle to Move Forward After High-Conflict Separation
Looking for reassurance that we are making the right decision after high-conflict separation is such a common pattern, especially in those with anxious attachment.
In some relationships, where one partner constantly blamed the other for everything that went wrong, the person on the receiving end often ended up relying on their partner’s energy just to move forward.
For the anxiously attached, that partner’s presence — even in conflict — still gave a sense of structure, of someone being there.
Even though they may have lost themselves trying to avoid criticism or blame, at least they had someone to fall back on if they made a mistake.
The person who was constantly condemned or made wrong in the relationship often reaches a point where they stop trying to grow altogether — because taking action meant risking more blame, more rejection.
It is distressing to see this in parents after separation — some have shut down so much they fear the very things that could help them evolve.
The fear of making a mistake often becomes intertwined with the fear of being abandoned.
In the relationship, not trying too hard meant keeping acceptance — which felt like keeping safety intact.
For an anxiously attached person, acceptance meant everything.
They lost themselves in the relationship trying to maintain that acceptance — mistaking fear of abandonment for love.
They shaped themselves around what their partner wanted — desperately trying to keep the relationship going, not rocking the boat.
When the other partner was a narcissist, this dynamic fed their control and ego.
When the other partner was avoidant, the clinginess drove them further away.
Either way, the anxious partner ended up losing more and more of themselves.
But why did we need their energy to follow our dreams or fulfil our needs?
If it was about craving acceptance during the relationship, what is stopping us now?
Why is it that even after separation, when we no longer have the partner’s control or approval over us — we still feel unable to make decisions?
Why can’t we seem to move forward without external validation that it is safe to do so?
Many people seek a new partner at this stage — not for genuine connection, but because they still feel they need someone else’s energy to move forward.
They rely on another person’s acceptance as fuel — and sadly, this often repeats the same co-dependent patterns all over again.
How can we take action without needing the validation of a partner?
How can we build strength from within?
If every behaviour — even stuckness — serves a purpose, then perhaps this too is a form of protection.
If we are not seeking a partner’s acceptance, then what is it that we are trying to protect ourselves from now?
For many, the fear of personal accountability is the deeper block.
Without someone to catch us if we fail — or to blame if things go wrong — we fear being alone with our failures.
Why do we resist being accountable for failure, while wanting to be accountable for growth?
Is the fear of failure so strong that it stops us from even trying to grow?
Humans are naturally risk averse — we will avoid potential losses more strongly than we chase gains.
And for the anxiously attached, wired for connection, this becomes even stronger.
Jessica Baum explains in Anxiously Attached, drawing on Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, that we are neurobiologically hardwired for connection.
Our nervous system constantly scans the environment — a process Porges called neuroception — looking for cues of safety or danger:
- Are others with me?
- Do they see me?
- Are they judging me?
After high-conflict separation — often with wounds of abandonment and isolation — the autonomic nervous system is heightened, scanning for threat.
If we lack a tribe, a circle of support to cheer us on, it is very easy to freeze — to not take action in fear of rejection and further loss.
Our system is simply trying to keep us safe.
But here’s the thing — while this wiring served us in childhood, we no longer live in tribal systems.
As adults, we are capable of meeting our own needs — we are capable of assessing risk, educating ourselves, building safeguards, even finding new friend groups.
And with that, we are capable of choosing new paths — even if they feel uncertain at first.
I found a secret to talk to anyone you want and lose the fear of rejection. You come to the realisation that no one is on this earth to fulfill our own needs as an adult, and we have all the power to fulfill our own needs. This goes for love interests as-well. We forget about the pain of rejection, that subconsciously may have meant our needs may not be met. You can visualise your self talking to yourself, “I got you”.
In fact, changing careers, jobs, or lifestyles can bring new beginnings — especially if we had lost ourselves in the relationship.
The key is to understand why we lost ourselves:
- Was it because of partner control?
- Was it because of our own anxious attachment?
- Was it because we mistook fear for love?
The reasons determine the healing path:
- Where do I need boundaries?
- Where do I need to sit with discomfort?
- Where do I need to reclaim action?
- What inner work do I need to start on?
And so if you are stuck — wondering why you can’t seem to move forward — ask yourself:
- Am I stuck because I fear personal accountability?
- Am I stuck because I fear abandonment?
- Am I stuck because I am seeking external validation that my choices are “right”?
- What do I really want?
- What values do I want to live now?
- Are those values stronger than my need for acceptance?
The answers will guide your next steps — and they will help you rebuild from within, without needing another person to carry you forward.
When we are in this heightened state — fearful of losing acceptance, of losing connection to the tribe — we begin to react to perceptions rather than reality. The nervous system, primed for danger, shifts us into sympathetic arousal. We are no longer responding from calm, rational thinking — we are reacting from an old protective patterns, driven by fear.
In this state, every behaviour we show sends a signal to others: “I don’t feel safe.”
This, in turn, triggers their own nervous system. If they are unaware of what is happening, they will likely respond in kind — with tension, withdrawal, or defensiveness.
You can see how this plays out when someone is going for a new job, a job interview, trying to gain clients, or even entering new social settings. You know that feeling when you have a first date and you feel something’s up? Your body feels different, less calm, less relaxed.
Their voice becomes heightened or shaky. Their body closes off. Their eyes may dart or gaze too intensely. They become hyper-aware — trying to read others, trying to control the situation.
And yet — the more they do this, the more it signals to others that something isn’t safe — which closes the connection loop.
We often call this “self-sabotage.” But it isn’t. It’s protection.
It’s our nervous system doing exactly what it believes will keep us safe — even though it’s having the opposite effect.
When we drop out of the ventral state — the calm, socially engaged state — and shift into sympathetic arousal, we also shut down the release of oxytocin — the hormone of connection and trust.
Oxytocin is crucial for recognising others, building relationships, forming new bonds — whether in friendships, romantic relationships, or professional settings.
Without oxytocin flowing, it becomes extremely difficult to form new connections.
And so — if we stay in this heightened state after a high-conflict separation, it’s no wonder that building new friendships, new relationships, or new work connections can feel almost impossible.
But I want to say — it is okay to feel this way.
After everything you’ve been through — after the battles, the betrayals, the nervous system overload — this is a natural state. It is not failure. It is not a flaw.
When we feel safe again — when we feel that our tribe is behind us, that we are not alone — the ventral state activates.
Our face softens. Our expression becomes more open and friendly.
Our voice calms. Our ability to communicate emotions improves.
And all of these changes send powerful signals to others — “I am safe. You are safe. I am approachable.”