The Pull Back to the Old Life
After separation, many of us feel lost — not just in our relationships, but in our work, our identity, and our direction. The career or business we built, often for the benefit of a family, suddenly feels empty. It may have given us purpose before, but now it feels hollow, disconnected from our deeper values.
What makes it harder is that the job we once had may be tied to old versions of ourselves. Did we start that work before the relationship? Did it ever truly fulfill us? Many people burn out working jobs that drain them emotionally and physically. They stay in those roles to "get by," to "keep the peace," and to provide stability — but at what cost?
After my separation, people often told me, “Just keep working. Just get by.” But that advice didn’t nourish me. It made me feel like I had to abandon something even deeper: the part of me that wanted to grow. Parents and loved ones may offer this kind of advice not because it's right for us, but because it soothes their own anxiety. Their emotional discomfort becomes louder than our need for growth.
My mother did this often. Even from a young age, she'd tell me to work for someone else rather than pursue something of my own. She wasn’t trying to hold me back — not consciously. But my growth made her nervous. When I struggled, she would rescue me. That felt like love. But I see now it was love filtered through her anxiety. When she stepped in to fix my mistakes, I began to equate love with rescue, and I learned to keep myself small to avoid making her anxious.
So I internalised this belief: “If I stay small, I stay connected. If I don’t grow, I stay safe. If I have a stable job, she won't get anxious.”
Now, as an adult, I repeated this same pattern in relationships.
I try to rescue my partner if they are in need, almost subconsciously drawn to someone who needs help. This was like almost all of my past partners. I jump in to save them, they were almost all financially dependent and I always worked to support them, but never received this same support — not always because they needed saving, but because somewhere deep down, I associate rescuing with love. Acts of service and rescuing from my mum meant acts of love, so if I serve or rescue someone now, they will see that as love, and they can do the same to love me too. We almost always do the things that we wish others to do for us.
But here’s where it gets tangled:
Just like I wanted my mum to encourage me to grow while also keeping me safe, I wanted my partner to fix me too — to support my growth and soothe my fears. I unconsciously expected them to rescue me, just like I try to rescue them. I didn't just want love, I subconsciously wanted them to carry me forward — to make me feel safe and push me to grow, because I never fully got that from Mum.
The problem is: when I kept rescuing others, I put their needs above mine. I stayed small again. which created the same frustration I had with my mother. I was repeating the cycle.
And when I tried to grow — take risks, go after something big — I often felt judged or unsupported, just like I did growing up. This may have actually been a false perception that I put onto others, seeking clarity that I was doing the right thing, but that if I got too big I may lose them. That fear of judgment become a wall. So instead of pushing forward, I subconsciously abandoned the dream, I created reasons why I can't succeed. I'd go back to just earning steady money, doing the “safe” thing, staying within a familiar rhythm — because growth once meant risking the loss of attachment.
It wasn’t safe to grow in the past, so, even when I wanted to grow, my nervous system pulled me back. I almost looked for the reasons why I shouldn’t grow on the perception that I may lose attachment. So despite all my knowledge and skill to succeed I mentally created blocks to keep me small, my brain would shut off, I couldn't connect the dots, and yet every time I protect myself from growth and shrink again, then I become creative and want to grow again, I repeat the cycle. I would blame all sorts of circumstances, and reasons, why I couldn't grow, its someone else, or I am not smart enough. Wanting to repeat my adolescence and get it right, but fear of losing attachment stopped me every time. When I'm small I wanted to grow, and when I grew, I feared abandonment, or that someone would need me and I may lose it all, abandoning my dreams for them. I wanted the growth, but my desire for acceptance made me focus on others and lose myself, which then made me frustrated, so I wanted them to do the same for me, I rescued you, and now you need to rescue me. "That's how love works right?"
Now I know I don’t need to remain small to be accepted, I don’t need anything from anyone to grow. It is not anyone’s responsibility to rescue me, I have all the skills and knowledge to rescue myself. What I learnt was that if my motive where aligned with my values, and if my values could override my fear around acceptance then I was able to grow, the values push us to learn more about an area we don't even know yet, it allows us to connect the dots and work out a road map for where we want to be or a life we want to create. if to tie this into a greater purpose that serves another it is a powerful tool, more powerful than courage, or resistance, or breaking through unbeliefs. working against subconscious patterns has some merit but it isn't a driving force, it means we are fighting against ourself.
Going back into building for me after separation, had no more purpose or deeper value for me. yes it could make good money, but it wasn't the money anymore. I was making money to support a family, it was never a higher value for myself, the money was for family, and when I lost it all after separation it lets its value as it was so volatile. with out the purpose of family to drive the growth of money it served myself little purpose. this place is where so many individuals get stuck. In this new chapter of lift and healing we need to search for the values we hold highly in our mind and align that with our own authentic purpose, one not tied to external returns, or acceptance from others.
Let’s take my past career in building as an example. On the surface, it seemed like a solid path. It gave me health — the physical work kept me fit. It gave me money — enough to support my family with a steady income. Those were the values being met.
But as time passed, I started to feel like my soul was suffocating.
The career didn’t give me what I truly needed: freedom, growth, deep friendships, or alignment with my own goals. I was building other people’s dreams — not my own. I wasn’t expanding as a person. I didn’t have time to develop relationships or friendships outside of work. And the sense of purpose I longed for was missing.
What I really valued deep down were:
· Freedom — to travel, to cycle, to choose how I spent my days
· Growth — personally, spiritually, professionally
· Wealth — not just survival, but abundance that allowed generosity
· Health — in body and mind
· Connection — with others in a meaningful way
After separation, I had to look at my life and ask: “What am I working for now?”
If my motivation used to be providing for a family and relationship, and that chapter had ended, then I needed a bigger reason to make money — one that wasn’t just about me, but about serving others.
I realised that building didn’t feel valuable enough to me. Yes, it helps others — people need homes, renovations, and craftsmanship. But I didn’t feel it made a meaningful enough impact in people’s lives for me to feel fulfilled. And that matters — because we must believe the work we do is valuable to others if one of our core values is contribution or helping.
I also had to shift my beliefs around money and self-worth. I used to accept what others thought I was worth — limited by a programmed belief that I shouldn’t ask for more. But as I started to value generosity and service, I realised that charging more allowed me to give more. I could expand my services, support others more deeply, and be more generous — because I was finally recognising the value I brought.
Many people are stuck in that old pattern: believing their value is low, because they’ve always been told it is. That needs to change.
If you’re unsure what to do after separation — or you feel stuck in a job or career that no longer inspires you — try this:
Ask yourself:
What values are being fulfilled in my current job?
And do those align with the values I want to live by?
Here’s a powerful exercise from Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) to help:
1. Write down all the values that matter to you — things like love, freedom, success, contribution, health, family, growth, creativity, stability.
2. Rank them by comparing each one. Start by asking:
If I could only have one — love or growth — which would I choose?
If it’s love, then compare love with the next one: love or success?
Keep going until one clearly rises to the top.
3. Do the same with all remaining values until you’ve created your personal values ladder — from highest to lowest.
This values ladder helps you get clarity on what truly drives you — not what you think should matter, but what your actions and heart align with.
Because when your career aligns with your highest values, you don’t just work — you build a life. One that’s not only successful, but deeply meaningful.