As Dr. Gabor Maté describes in his book When the body says no (2003), our mind and body are not separate, as many medical theories may suggest. The age-old wisdom that we are one holds true. We can eat healthily, sleep well, and have all the friendships we desire, yet still fall sick to disease, stress, and feelings of pain—major factors that seem to shut down our energy.
When we avoid saying no, we increase the likelihood of others encroaching on our healthy boundaries while setting the tone for what we will allow and how much someone can get away with. Too often, we may even set these boundaries while enforcing no consequences when they are crossed. I have spoken to many men who, out of pure fear, state that authorities will not listen to them if they communicate the consistent manipulation and abuse of a former partner. This does seem to be true in our society, as the same actions, if performed by a male, seem to result in swift police investigation while being overlooked or simply dismissed should a male speak up. I feel this is not so much a failure of authorities’ training but rather the choice of individual officers in how they respond, rather than adhering to a set protocol. However, social agendas and highlighted gender issues seem to heavily influence our justice systems and the governing bodies under their rule. It is alarming to have set laws and legislation, only for their enforcement to be left up to the discretion of an individual who may or may not uphold them. Hot topics, such as violence against women, seem to influence entire government organisations, creating a bias against all men.
Our conditioning of what we allow sets us up for either growth or destruction and determines what liberties we allow others to take over the direction of our lives. Saying yes to others all the time also means saying no to ourselves. Saying no is a scary response for the "nice guy" due to the perceived loss of relationships or the perceived limitation of meeting their own needs through others. There is often a false belief that reciprocity is assured should they say yes. However, reciprocity is the choice of the receiver. Many business transactions use this same principle—enticing the receiver to feel a sense of wanting to even the scales and reciprocate any kind gesture or gift, often evoking guilt if they do not. Think of any time a company has offered you a free sample or a great deal, only to provoke a sense of obligation. The expectation of reciprocity before a kind act is, in itself, a form of manipulation. If you knew the person would not give you anything back, would you still choose to say yes? I have found that if I want to say no, I will, and if I want something from the exchange, I will communicate my acceptable terms.
How often have you experienced a former partner, lover, or new date simply not replying to your messages, ignoring you altogether, leaving you chasing them all the more? Sometimes, we don’t seem able to move on. With all the dating apps available, women seem to have, at a swipe, another available man—often bombarded with texts, overwhelmed by desperation from men, while having the option to move on from one date to the next whenever they perceive they are not happy, under the false belief that love must still be out there. This is not necessarily a gendered behaviour—if most men had the same abundance of choice, most would act similarly, chasing the perception of "better than what I have," a pursuit of a better internal feeling. The man either keeps chasing, unable to move on, or unable to let go. Some men believe they must chase in order to have their love and effort reciprocated, while at the same time accepting someone who treats them poorly, somehow thinking they may win them over.
How is it that we cannot say no to people who refuse to communicate, show any interest, or love? We trick ourselves into thinking our happiness depends on being with that one person. Our own desperation makes us less attractive to the opposite sex and other observers, while we create our own internal pain, asking questions such as:
Why does she not reply?
Did I do something wrong?
Am I ugly?
Do I not make enough money?
None of these questions change our situation, nor do they hold any truth unless the other person has communicated them. We need to realise that we have other avenues to find happiness and fulfilment that do not revolve around a partner. If we are being ignored, why would we reward such behaviour by treating the other person nicer, by chasing, by saying sorry? Saying no to such poor behaviour and accepting that we do not need another person to be happy allows us to search for other areas that bring us joy and fulfilment.
What hobby can you think of continuing or starting?
What would you like to learn?
What groups can you join where you will not be ignored or treated poorly?
If we continue to accept being treated poorly, we really only have ourselves to blame. Waiting for someone to treat us better stops us from seeking people and environments that will.
Another example of saying no is also standing up to our partner when it comes to our children seeking help and guidance. Too often, men sit back and allow a possibly controlling parent to dictate a child’s life, remaining quiet, saying nothing, not confronting the other parent for what is right. Who do our children turn to if one parent is treating them poorly or controlling them while the other is too timid to intervene? During a court battle, we often feel powerless, with lawyers advising us to do nothing, say nothing, sit back, and wait. Most lawyers do not understand child psychology; they only consider what looks good or bad for us in the court’s perception. This is such a tragic experience, as even when we stand up for our children, our reasons may be twisted to fit the narrative of the other parent—even causing our own children to take their side. Becoming a healthy, masculine male means saying no to people we may be afraid of, in order to protect those who are vulnerable and unable to help themselves. When our children see that we stand back and allow trouble or abuse to affect them, they may lose trust in us to meet their needs, seeing us as no longer providing safety and security. Worse still, they may see it as a sign that they are not loved. This is heartbreaking. Parents have watched their own children cry out for them, desperate to be held, while the other parent simply refuses—perhaps as a selfish attempt to gain control, creating turmoil in a young child’s mind. I have heard of professionals advise clients to withhold a child if they are unsure whether the other parent will bring them back—a game of chicken. But this is understandable when the stakes are so high. The one who withholds gains the upper hand, while the other parent may not see their child for months, even years, as the Family Court process drags on.
Now that you understand this, my hope is that you never withhold a child from the other parent unless it is genuinely necessary for the child’s safety, and not based on a false narrative or personal dislike. We must say no—not only for ourselves but to protect our children—while avoiding mirroring the same abusive behaviours of another parent. A child often does not understand the dynamics and emotions behind their parents' struggle for control.
If we become mentally unable to say no to abuse or set healthy boundaries, our body will eventually say NO for us—often in the form of illness and other health conditions.