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Gaslighting in Relationships

Posted By Andrew Jaensch  
10/07/2025
11:00 AM

19th century applause

 

Before electric lighting, there was gaslighting. The term "gaslighting" comes from the play Gas Light, in which a husband dims the gas lights in their home when his wife is alone and then denies that the lights have changed when she points it out. Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that involves making someone doubt their own reality. Have you ever had a person make a mistake or do something that hurt you, and when you brought it up, they completely changed the narrative—suddenly claiming that you were the problem? That is gaslighting.

A lot of the time, gaslighting occurs through arguments and narratives rather than direct communication. You may have highlighted certain events, even accompanied them with proof, only for your former partner to twist the story back onto you, claiming that it was you and not them. It feels like you are going crazy, especially when others start questioning you as if the other side is automatically believed. Most father have stated they have experienced such biased questioning from their own lawyers friend and family.

If you have this book before you have gone to Family Court, I strongly suggest you start making notes of any significant events so you can keep your own personal record of conflicting communication or arguments. (do not go an delete all your past phone messages and other forms of communication with your former partner because you are angry, you may need these) Please do not record your conversations on your phone or video, as this is frowned upon in court. It can be seen as inciting poor behaviour or entrapment. Instead, communicate via text message or email, or simply write events down in a diary after child handover or after the event. We do not want to focus on these issues while we are with our children. We need to shield them from any of our emotions that could influence them in a negative way, impacting their sense of safety and security while in our care. Writing events down also helps reaffirm and validate our responses later. My aunty once told me that truly manipulative people are the ones who break psychologists, a true trickster, a Loki. She also told me to own my truth and not be swayed by other people’s perceptions and perspectives.

We are more than likely going to experience pushback, not only from our former partner but also from professionals within the court system who will attempt to impose their own meanings onto our narrative, reshaping past events. They may question our interpretation of events or outright tell us what we meant by our words or actions. Marriage therapy encourages couples to explain what they mean behind conversations to help their partner better understand them. But this simple and healthy approach to listening and understanding perspectives is often overlooked in court, sometimes even twisted into a new meaning by professionals who later record it in their reports. A parent once told me of a child expert who outright stated that a parent’s perspective of an event was incorrect, a truly un-factual statement when it comes to personal experience.

Einstein’s Theory of Relativity states that the faster an object moves relative to an observer, the slower time appears to pass for that object, meaning the perception of an event can vary depending on the observer's frame of reference; essentially, time is not absolute but relative to the observer's perspective. Things that are big appear small from a distance, but their size remains the same. Our problems also appear bigger when we are too close to them, losing focus on everything else.

Sometimes, professionals make completely incorrect statements based on preconceived biases. For example; A child expert report that claims an alcohol test proved a parent had not been drinking or had alcohol issues two years prior to the test. However, the alcohol CBT test itself clearly states in bold that results only detect alcohol consumption up to fourteen days prior to the blood sample being taken. This is either ignorance or bias. Either way, it is a completely incorrect statement. Don’t get angry at others bias or mistakes. This can be brought to the attention of relevant parties later.

You may experience a lot of gaslighting and twisting of the truth when you find yourself in hearing after hearing in Family Court. In court, many of these false narratives go unquestioned. Be patient, stay calm, and know that a time will come when you can highlight these contradictions. Stick to your truth, and do not let others intimidate you into doubting yourself. A tactic may be to make you feel unsure of your own story, so they can later argue in court that your account is inconsistent and therefore unreliable. Do not be fooled into changing your story. Too often, parents are persuaded into accepting a false narrative, believing it will work in their favour. For example, a parent may claim the other parent called them too many times in one day and label it controlling behaviour, while conveniently leaving out the fact that they had taken the child from daycare without informing the other parent. Calling with fear for the location of a child is a perfectly acceptable response of a loving parent, however twisted into some sick form of abuse by another parent who only sees their own wants and desires.

Many professionals and opposing solicitors seem to attack behaviours based on actions alone, while deliberately avoiding the context of the situation. Remaining calm under such attacks and explaining the context of our actions helps the court see the truth and demonstrates emotional control when under pressure. However, if you are calling or texting excessively for no real reason other than being emotional, then you need to stop and find something else to keep your mind occupied.

 

We need to let go of our attachment to former partners if it is influencing our behaviour.

 

If you found this post helpful and want to take your understanding even deeper, check out the Malicious Intent and Tactics Guide. It’s a practical, eye-opening resource designed to help you recognise patterns of manipulation, control, and emotional harm — especially in high-conflict separation. Whether you're navigating family court or simply seeking clarity, this guide offers the insight and tools you need to stay grounded, protected, and informed.

Buy it here