Programmes such as kids are first and other parenting programmes are what I think is one of the best courses for any parent ordered by the Family Court, simply because both parents are usually ordered to enrol in the training, it seems to be the only course that both parents actually have to enrol in, however, the coarse is not reported on, or evaluated other than the parent receiving a certificate of completion, a simple “tick the box” to please the court, while some parents go straight back to their controlling ways.
The Kids are first course teaches the importance of caring for a child during high conflict situations and relationships, and how to act in the best interest of the child, communication styles, as well as encouraging a child to spend autonomous time with both parents. However, I would question to the impact this course has on a malicious parent, as their actions are usually in complete polarity to what the course teaches. Often still controlling another parent’s time with the child, or still withholding any time at all, withholding information or even photos of a child, while succumbing to potential orders that force the withholding parent to enrol the child in a contact centre so the child may see their other parent. It appears that the courts take no analysis of parent’s behaviours or actions post completion of the course to compliance of what is taught other than note that the course training has been completed.
If you want the best for you children, listen and follow what is in the course programme as its focus is on the child. If you feel like your rights and needs should come first in this situation, then you may have some more self-work to do, this time is to learn more about what is best for a child during high conflict situations to prevent further stress and trauma on a child. We need to not focus on what the other parent is doing but rather focus on what we need to do to learn and understand.
I would advise to buy any book on how to negotiate and communicate with difficult people as often our emotions take hold of us during times of stress. This can aid us when communicating with the other parent to avoid conflict while still communicating our desires, wants and needs of ourselves and also for our children in a healthy manner. Books I would suggest our 7 habits of highly effective people by Stephen Covey, Cues by Vanessa Van Edwards and How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. These books focus more on win/win negotiating and communication that is best for all, rather than other books that focus on simply getting what one wants while avoiding empathy and compassion. We need to remember that negotiating and agreements have a result on both parties and we want those results to reflect positively onto our children. If we take advantage or force agreement onto the other parent this may result in negative emotions and behaviours of that parent onto our children. That being said, we also need to learn what battles to fight for and what battles we should concede. We do not always need to get our way, while we need to stop conceding to demands that are not in our own or our children’s best interests, as continual submission to a controlling parent only adds to their courage to take more liberties at our own and children’s expense over time. Boundaries are not boundaries if they are never enforced.
What we want is conflict resolution not arguments.