If your child has been withheld from you and you are going through a custody battle, then more than likely you and your entire family are being prohibited from seeing your child/children. This behaviour, where one parent withholds, is one of the most painful experiences any parent and family can endure. You can be interacting with your children daily, then all of a sudden have them removed and be in court battling to see them. You may go to the police to try and have them returned, but without a court order, the police will not intervene. Even before this may happen, you may sense that something is about to occur or you may feel like holding onto your child. I would advise never to withhold a child from another parent. Despite your feelings about the other parent, if there is no danger other than your dislike towards the other parent, allow your child to build their own positive relationships, void of your opinions and control. I have seen and heard so many parents do nothing but talk rubbish about the other parent in front of their own children. A child’s mind is influenced by our own perceptions, and hearing someone tell them that another person is a bastard, arsehole, dickhead, wanker, you get my point, is only going to create a similar perspective in that child’s mind. Even if your child repeats these beliefs to you, do not retaliate in the same manner. At times, children may question us on these beliefs to see how we will respond. If we respond with the same hate and anger, our children only see that anger continued, and how can our children ever be at peace when they feel they have to take sides to please each parent while in their care, just to create some stability?
Our children have the right to create as many quality relationships as they can. Knowing that they have two families they can rely on and feel comfortable with gives a child tremendous resilience to be courageous in life, knowing that there are many who they can rely on during life’s stresses. We know how limited our courage is to try new things in life as adults when we only have ourselves to rely on. This is something that I strongly believe in. I see whole churches of people, groups, and communities all kept to themselves and struggling on their own. How wonderful it would be if we had these same communities to support us should something go wrong in our lives, to help us back on our feet.
If you are a parent who usually isolates themselves, I would suggest that you get out of your comfort zone when with your children and interact with other parents and social groups so your children can create new and healthy relationships while in your care. Join a public activity, join a sports team, join scouts, join an activity group, join a cycling club. There are plenty of options to interact with other parents with children of our own children’s age. Learning how to build relationships with children who have similar interests is a fundamental lesson in life. Find out what interests your children have and search for communities and groups that you can enrol them in or join in with them. Remember, these activities are for our child’s passion and desires, not our own. Even if you feel bored or dislike the choice, this is not about us; it is about nurturing our children to develop autonomously new relationships without our opinions and influence in environments of their interest.
Another lesson is to let go of your dislike for the other parent’s family. Even if you feel they are terrible people or the mother-in-law is a sociopath with a screw loose. Be nice, be polite, be caring. We don’t have to go out of our way, but we owe it to our children to let it be, and interact in a professional and polite manner. I have heard of former partners arrive at birthdays and have coffee with their former partner as if they were old friends. But I would keep this to a minimum if you feel uncomfortable or if you feel the other parent is undermining the relationship between you and your children. Some Parents have had great conversations with their former partner in their home over coffee while finding out years later, that they were writing false abuse claims to the police at the same time. I am not trying to scare you, but to make you aware while being nice. Sometimes, our former partner sees us being nice as a pain point if they have not moved on from the relationship. If we cannot have calm interactions with our former partner, it is sometimes best to avoid these altogether so that our children are protected from any conflict that may arise.