The Boiled Egg Principle – Patience, Power, and the Family Court
With so many uncertainties after separation—and especially during family court—it makes perfect sense that you want to control whatever you can. Constant emails to lawyers. Trying to control how much time you have with your children. Fixating on money, accounts, calendars. With so much out of your hands, the mind and body start hunting for any sliver of stability. And where there’s none, it tries to create it.
But here’s the truth: that kind of control often isn’t about logic—it’s about calming the nervous system.
Have you ever boiled eggs, and when you go to peel them, the shells stick? You try to peel off a clean layer, but it just won’t come. Little bits at a time. The shell breaks into tiny fragments, and you can’t get the film underneath to separate cleanly. You get angry. Maybe give up and throw the egg in the bin. “Stuff it—it’s too hard.”
Some of us don’t have much patience at all. Depending on your lifestyle or job—you might be a CEO, in a high-paced environment—you may feel like patience isn’t something you need. But none of that translates well to family court. The strategies that help you succeed in fast, demanding work will work against you when your world is upside down emotionally, legally, and relationally.
And like boiled eggs, you can do everything right, follow all the instructions—and still be met with resistance. Still, you need patience when your efforts don’t produce the ease or outcome you expected.
I know it’s not fair. It’s not fair if you're not seeing your kids. It's not fair if your ex locked you out of a joint bank account or emptied the savings. But shouting at your lawyer won’t change that. Sending endless emails or spiralling into panic doesn’t help you or your children.
There’s a common misconception that lawyers have all the power. Yes, they can write intimidating affidavits. Yes, they can request costs or court action. But only a judge can enforce orders. Your lawyer can’t control the timeline—and pestering them constantly may end in them dropping you or billing you for hours of unproductive contact.
We benefit from learning how to sit in the uncomfortable. Especially if you’ve lived with anxiety, if you have a controlling personality, or if your attachment style is anxious or disorganised—this will feel foreign and uncomfortable. But it is also where the most growth happens.
Impatience doesn't change reality. It just causes you pain. The person honking at the red light doesn’t get to work any faster. They just stew in stress. Almost everything we do when we’re impatient is really a way of trying to control how we feel. But the feelings still come—and worse, we end up damaging relationships, losing trust, and creating more instability for the very people we’re trying to protect.
We forget that other people—our ex, the judge, even the lawyers—don’t actually control our choices. We feel like they do. But they don’t. We do. You still have the power to choose how you respond. That’s your power. And when you give it away, you lose it.
But choice comes with accountability. And that’s where a lot of people get stuck. They don’t want to feel accountable. Because it means sitting with discomfort: fear, rejection, anxiety, uncertainty.
But what if you get it right?
What if you do show restraint? What if you hold your centre, and it pays off—not just legally, but emotionally, mentally, and in your relationship with your child?
That’s what patience really is. It’s self-regulation, maturity, strategy. And yes—sometimes it’s peeling a stubborn boiled egg, bit by bit, without throwing it across the room.
Speaking of eggs, here’s a little life wisdom that helps both breakfast and the nervous system:
To make the perfect boiled egg:
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Let the water boil first.
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Add a teaspoon of baking powder.
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Reduce the heat slightly so it's just under a full boil.
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Carefully place your eggs in the water.
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Cook for eight minutes.
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Remove from heat, and cool the eggs immediately in cold water until they’re fully cooled.
Now they’re ready to peel. And just like that—you’ve practised patience. And you’ve got something nourishing to show for it.
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