Seeing Through Their Eyes – Why Your Former Partner’s Perspective Matters
In the aftermath of high-conflict separation, it is natural to become consumed by your own perspective. You’ve likely spent countless hours analysing what went wrong, replaying events, and trying to understand how someone you once trusted has now become unpredictable, even adversarial. When legal accusations, emotionally charged texts, and conflicting co-parenting approaches enter the picture, your instinct may be to focus on disproving, defending, or correcting your former partner’s version of events.
But one of the most overlooked and powerful strategies during this time is also one of the most counterintuitive: developing the ability to see the situation from your former partner’s point of view. Not to agree. Not to excuse. But to understand.
Every individual carries their own internal representation of the relationship and its breakdown. In Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), this is referred to as their map of reality. It’s shaped by past traumas, attachment history, personality, and emotional wounds. What you experienced as a reasonable boundary may have landed to them as abandonment. What felt like open communication to you may have registered as emotional overwhelm for them. This divergence is not about who is right—it’s about recognising that two truths can exist in parallel, and both deserve to be heard if healing and forward movement are the goal.
Unfortunately, many separations descend into chaos not because the conflict is irreconcilable—but because of unchecked presumptions. When we assume malicious intent behind every action, or dismiss the other person’s emotional response as manipulation, we create additional conflict where none needs to exist. These mental narratives heighten anxiety, increase reactivity, and often backfire—particularly in legal settings where family court professionals are trained to evaluate emotional regulation, not just the facts presented.
This is where grace becomes a strategic and relational asset. Offering grace to a former partner doesn’t mean condoning harmful behaviour. It means choosing not to attack their character, ridicule their emotional responses, or dismiss their needs simply because they differ from yours. Grace is the emotional discipline to honour someone’s healing timeline—even if it inconveniences your own. It’s the decision to respond with steadiness, not superiority.
For example, if your former partner asks for space—to delay responses, to communicate less frequently, or to step back from direct interaction—meeting that request can reduce friction and foster long-term cooperation. If they are emotionally shut down or avoidant, trying to force engagement may feel like control. Meeting someone where they are—not where you wish they were—is an act of emotional leadership.
But here's the deeper truth: our attempts to control the narrative, rush reconciliation, or dismiss their needs are often not about them at all. They are about us. These behaviours are usually an unconscious attempt to regulate our own nervous system—to soothe the discomfort of uncertainty, to quiet the fear of rejection, or to reclaim control in an unpredictable emotional landscape. We try to change the other person not out of cruelty, but because it temporarily calms our anxiety. The problem is, it doesn’t last—and worse, it often escalates the tension we were trying to avoid.
Instead, the higher path is to tolerate your discomfort without reacting to it. This is grace. And it’s not just good for your former partner—it’s critical for your children. When a parent disregards, attacks, or emotionally pressures the other parent, the children are caught in the crossfire. They sense the hostility, internalise the conflict, and often feel responsible for repairing the emotional damage. The harm we inflict on a former partner doesn’t end with them—it spills into the emotional world of the child.
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