Fundamentals of the nice guy and why it works against us even more after separation.
Every man on the planet has forms of nice guy traits however, the principal nice guy has an abundance of them, which accumulate to create the character of the fundamental nice guy. The nice guy is constantly vigilant about how his behaviour and actions affect others’ approval or disapproval of him. He attempts to limit any action that may incite conflict or displeasure. He tries to hide all his mistakes and flaws, fearing that these will impact his perceived value. It seems that all of this stems from a perception that he must deserve love—that external actions and behaviours result in love being reciprocated and in having one’s needs met. This is not the truth. I was this man once.
The delusion is that the nice guy believes that if he follows all these methods and rules, he will somehow achieve a stress-free and peaceful life. These character traits often stem from childhood—an attempt to gain affection and love from a parent, or from a narrative shaped by another parent. For example, a young boy who looks up to his parents as role models may hear his mother speak negatively about his father. This can influence the child to become the complete opposite of his father, believing that if he is different, he will be loved. If these perceptions are not corrected, the boy may grow up avoiding healthy male bonding and instead act in ways his mother deems acceptable, simply to gain her love and attention. Because of this, he may learn to suppress his masculinity out of fear of being negatively judged by his mother and other women in his life. When nice guys enter relationships, they often place their partners at the centre of their emotional happiness, continuing this pattern into adulthood—placing their own needs second and their partner’s needs first, recreating the same unhealthy parent-child dynamic.
As Dr Robert Glover No More Mr. Nice Guy (2003) explains, the character of the "nice guy" is not simply about behaviour but rather about core belief structures. On the surface, a nice guy’s actions may appear caring, but in reality, they can be a means to an end—a way to meet his own needs while maintaining an image of being "nice," in order to avoid judgment. Nice guys struggle to be direct about what they want for fear of being perceived as "bad," so they may resort to manipulation to get their needs met. While this might work in the short term, it can be detrimental in the long run. The nice guy dislikes things being out of his control, as he believes this disrupts the smoothness of life and creates conflict. Nice guys give—but often with the expectation of reciprocity. If a boy grows up believing that being nice is rewarded with love and affection, then giving time, gifts, money, or help can become a form of transaction rather than true generosity. Nice guys may say what is needed in the moment to appear good but later change their minds when the situation no longer affects them. Because they constantly try to please others while simultaneously attempting to meet their own needs, nice guys often have trouble setting healthy boundaries. This can lead to frustration and passive-aggressive behaviour when they realise they have agreed to things they were never truly comfortable with.
Why is this so important to understand after separation and during Family Court?
First, recognising these patterns in ourselves helps us understand our underlying beliefs and behaviours. When we fail to express what we truly want, frustration and anger can build over time. Even if we appear calm and composed in the moment, our later outbursts are noticed—by others and by the court. Additionally, if we continue trying to please a partner we are no longer in a relationship with, we may not realise that they are taking advantage of us. Without the ability to set healthy boundaries, we risk agreeing to things that are not in our own or our children’s best interests.
Our former partners are no longer a resource to meet our needs and nor should they!
Nice guys often expect their actions to be reciprocated, but with a former partner, this may no longer be the case—leaving the nice guy feeling empty-handed and frustrated. I have learned that if I want something in return for a favour, I need to voice this desire. If no reciprocity is offered, I must decide whether I am comfortable giving without expecting anything in return. This mindset allows for true generosity, free from obligation, and also grants me the ability to say "NO" when it is not in my best interest. Furthermore, when we become clear and exact about what we want, we become more genuine and avoid changing our minds later, reducing future frustration. By focusing on our own needs, values, and desires, we begin to set healthy boundaries.
Most father after separation, give so many concessions to seeing their children that, eventually the other parent may further limit their time, or not follow parenting orders, if in place. Most fathers are unaware of initiating contravention orders in the Family Court and as such accept a new standard of parenting time, regardless of their disagreement. As most fathers may do this to keep the peace, they also are not setting healthy boundaries for themselves or their children, they essentially allow a pattern of behaviour that they will later regret.
We are not selfish for setting healthy boundaries or for asking for what we want. Too often, men are condemned for being truthful and direct. But when we are clear and firm—without control or manipulation—we are being true to ourselves and respectful of others. When you first start setting boundaries, you may face resistance. If you have a pattern of pleasing people, it will be difficult not to revert to old conceding habits. But over time, self-respect will allow others to recognise and respect our healthy new boundaries. Allowing our boundaries to be repeatedly crossed and then reacting in anger or frustration only highlights our negative behaviour—while others have become conditioned to our past compliance and acceptance.
Remember: most people see only the end behaviour, not the catalyst. If we never communicate our boundaries—or do, but allow them to be crossed—others will not understand they are doing anything wrong.
Take control of your own life
Once we let go of the need to please everyone, we also stop caring so much about what others think of us and release our anxiety attached to such negative beliefs. This clarity is invaluable in Family Court, where we may have to answer difficult questions to specialists or legal professionals. When we can be truthful without fear of another’s displeasure, we remain calm and collected—traits that are crucial when experts evaluate our behaviour and actions, often more than the context of our words. Being a nice guy does not necessarily make you the good guy, while saying something that upsets someone does not necessarily make you the bad guy either.
We are not responsible for how others react.
Continuing to act like a nice guy after separation only ingrains a belief that we are of lesser value and must please others to receive validation. This leaves us vulnerable and open to being taken advantage of, all while believing that compliance to a former partners demands will somehow get our own needs met. This behaviour can lead to a life we never wanted—accepting conditions set by others, even to the extent of dictating how much time we spend with our children. As fathers, it is crucial that we set boundaries and follow through with our actions if they are crossed. We must not go back on our word. Do not make threats when boundaries are crossed; instead, clearly and calmly state the consequences of repeated violations. It may take time to build the courage to take back control of your life, especially with the fear that standing firm might cost you something—even time with your children. Keep all communication in writing, brief, and to the point. If your former partner is withholding your children, dictating your time with them, or making threats, be confident that you have communicated clearly and politely—then take legal action to have your time reinstated. Too many men wait until their boundaries have been completely obliterated before responding—either by giving in, as the typical nice guy would, or by retaliating in frustration. (Remember, your former partner will highlight your negative reactions while ignoring their own behaviour as the catalyst. The Family Court will focus on your response rather than what led to it.) Neither of the above responses when our boundaries are crossed represents true healthy masculinity. And as the courts only have each parent’s stories of events, they will not see the entire truth to a narrative, so act as if the judge is watching.
Being condemned for upholding our boundaries—or guilted into changing them—only reinforces unhealthy patterns of self-sacrifice at our own expense. Despite what others may say, we have a right—both under the law and as human beings—to protect ourselves and our relationships with our children. Fathers seem to be condemned by mothers and the Family Court system for attempting to protect the child parent relationship. While a dog is congratulated for protecting the family home for barking and showing bravery, it seems fathers are not awarded the same affirmations for loyalty to their child.
Separation and the Family Court system can place enormous pressure on us to comply. Our former partners may twist the narrative of the relationship, using words to make us feel vulnerable and guilty. So many narratives paint men and fathers in a terrible light—labelling them as unaccountable, ignorant of their actions, or even as monsters for things they have never done.
One piece of advice I was given by a family member: stick to your truth. When we start believing others’ narratives about us, we begin judging ourselves by another’s perception rather than by reality. The true narcissist will use gaslighting to confuse us—tricking us into believing their own distorted version of events.
Stay grounded in your truth